The O-town Scene - Oneonta, NY
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/28554
Keep Up Now! Don’t judge “I sit in judgment of all mankind; of life itself, mine included. Every observa- tion before me, as I lay in constant growing pain, echoes just how crippled humanity has become. Coming face to face with my own disillusions.” – Rob Ludwig It’s spring, and with it comes song birds, spring flowers, Easter and Passover. However, the last bouts of winter are holding tight. We have endured more than our share of snow, sleet and freezing rain and lingering grey days. Let’s add the mounting financial burden we’re swallowing thanks to the recession, and finally, the daily struggles we countenance in our relationships, health and myriad of concerns we bear that have egregiously worked their way into our psyche. We are yearning for salvation! Yet, as soon as we enjoy a sunny day or hint of good news, it’s all too brief until we’re pounded again with uncertainty and thrown into a flux of constant struggle. Unfortunately, one of our cop- ing mechanisms is to project our ill feelings onto others by way of casting judgments, giving us tem- porary relief of our problems by diffusing them onto someone else; driving us deeper into our despair. With Easter and Passover coming up, many of us are practicing the ritual of sacrifice. I was not raised amid formal religion; the idea of sacrificing for religious cause is not part of my Dharma; however, it occurred to me I could certainly This goes out to all the gay men who are married to women Guest Column benefit from giving up judgments. I began by giving them up for one day. I never realized how many times a day I judged. I felt really good at the end of the day, so I de- cided to relinquish judgments for one week. The ego mind does not want to stop judging; therefore, I enlisted the help of a sponsor, who gently nudges me away from the habit of judging. It’s amazing how transforming this has been. My goal is to continue each week until non-judgment becomes habitual. Through giving up judgments, you experience a world renewed. It’s remarkable how wonderful you feel when you stop faulting others. Spring has entered my heart, nurturing a garden of love and acceptance where once stood winter’s bitter resentment. “Keep up Now! with the stream of higher consciousness and stay con- nected to the Source.” —Terry Ludwig Terry Ludwig’s brother, Rob, passed away in 2004 after battling AIDS. Be- fore he passed, he shared his message. “Keep Up Now!” is the result of that communication. She can be reached at keepupnow@gmail.com, and followed on Twitter and Facebook. Sacrificing for religious cause is not part of my Dharma; however, it occurred to me I could certainly benefit from giving up judgments. After years of hiding second looks at hot men, hoping your wife didn’t notice (she did), you know you’re not a “straight” married man. You may think you’re bisexual – perhaps you are. It makes no difference. Labels are for items we buy. Eventually you will be overwhelmed by the need to live who you are. There will be a price, no matter how understanding your spouse claims to be. She suspects your true orientation. Once you openly attest to it, all social relationships change forever. No longer viewed as husband, father or son, the adjective “gay” applies to each. Your world changes – for better and worse. It happened to me. Don’t think your family is accepting as long as you are quiet. With “coming out,” arises a drive to live openly. Just hanging out with gay friends will be regarded as suspicious. Trying to incorporate gay friends into family life, no matter how innocent, is disastrous. Exclusion from family events will be subtle at first and then overt. You have donned the medieval bell of a leper. “Coming out” to your family is the grandmother of “bitch slaps” to loved ones. You are dispensable. Yes, this is a very negative out- look, but it’s the reality. Diverse sexual orientation is more acceptable in society, but not in the nuclear family. Try as hard as you want to appease your spouse. Remaining closeted will permit you to preserve the status quo of family dynam- ics. But, this path carries a price: self-denial, frustration and depression. The best, the only path to happiness is truth. Truth is always the best choice. Painful as it will be, it will be worth it. Children seem to be more accepting. My daughters, in word and action, show acceptance and love. My wife and son are still steeped in a consuming, self-destructive bitterness. I can do no more or less than pray, hope and wait. In the mean- time, I continue living authentically. There will be a price, no matter how understanding your spouse claims to be. _ David Martin David Martin is living separately from his wife of 37 years. He is a father of five adopted children and practices as a solo internist physician in Central New York. He was educated at Fordham University and Upstate Medical University. He attends All Saints Church in Syracuse, and hosts parish for the LGBT Catholic community. March 31, 2011 O-Town Scene 25 the Diversity Scene Mar. 31-Apr.6