The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/78314
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, August 10, 2012 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien Katie Holmes' car was hit by a garbage truck. Cops are still looking for the driver of the truck who is described as Tom Cruise. Yahoo's new CEO Marissa Mayer is six months pregnant. Apparently, she was able to hide her pregnancy by only posting it on Yahoo. Since becoming secretary of state, Hillary Clinton has spent over 300 days out of the country. President Obama called her travel record "inspiring" and Bill Clinton called it "20 years too late." An Ikea in Brooklyn has become a favorite spot for teenagers to have sex. It's the first reported instance of someone at Ikea managing to put two parts together. Five-hundred-year-old lingerie was found in a castle in Austria. It was then returned to Barbara Walters. The Late Show: David Letterman After years of criticism for his poor record on boosting employment, President Barack Obama is pleased to announce today he created a job. Congratulations to Amelio Markham from Smithsburg, Md., on his new job, making charts illustrating president Obama's downward spiraling approval ratings! You know anything about North Korea? They have a new evil dictator. But the kid is, like, 18 years old and he has a beautiful girlfriend. I mean a stunning, lovely girlfriend and they met through the North Korean dating service match.commie. Live: Jimmy Kimmel The FBI is investigating a recent flight on which passengers found needles in their turkey sandwiches. Thank God it was just needles and not a real threat to safety, like a 9 oz. bottle of body lotion. The Boy Scouts of America has announced that they will continue to enforce their policy of banning openly gay boys from being scouts and openly gay adults from taking leadership positions within the organization. Between this and same-sex marriage, people really don't want gay people tying knots! The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson Batman is a billionaire who doesn't trust the system to get the job done. He has a butler and an awesome car that gets, like, two miles to the gallon -- he is the most Republican superhero of all time! Today, 7-Eleven stores in Singapore debuted a new food dispenser: an instant mashed potato dispenser. This means the Indonesians are pulling ahead of us in the cholesterol race! We may have to raise our threat level to DEFCON Bacon. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon During the U.S.A.-Brazil basketball game, President Obama gave Michelle a kiss when they were shown on the kiss cam. That's cute. It explains why everyone was like, "Quick, put him on the fix-the-economy cam!" Last night, the Knicks decided to let go of Jeremy Lin, allowing him to join the Houston Rockets. And if that weren't bad enough, the Knicks actually had Jason Kidd drive him to the airport. There's a new, slow-moving storm in the Pacific called hurricane Fabio. Meteorologists expect hurricane Fabio to touch the coastline, caress it softly, and then whisper, "I can't believe it's not butter."