The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/43577
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, September 30, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien President Obama described himself as an eternal optimist. He then explained that he's the kind of person that sees the country as "half employed." A man wearing an Obama mask robbed a bank. Either that or Obama has an exciting new plan to reduce the deficit. Tim Pawlenty endorsed Mitt Romney, calling him a "bedrock conservative." When he heard this, John McCain said: "I grew up in Bedrock and I don't remember seeing him." It's being reported that Rick Perry met his wife when they were in elementary school. There was another boy that liked her, too, but 9-year-old Perry had him executed. Amazon.com is rumored to be working on what they describe as "Netflix for books," where you can pick a book from their collection, read it, and then return it. Amazon. com said they were going to call this amazing new service "The Library." In Florida, a man is having his bar mitzvah at the age of 82. He says he hopes it goes better than the circumcision he had at 70. A South Carolina man was arrested for sneaking a Taser gun into the Cowboys-Jets game and using it on somebody. The man was arrested and immediately signed by the Oakland Raiders. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno According to Men's Health Magazine, cheating on your wife can double your risk for a heart attack. It can also double your risk for getting stabbed, shot and getting run over by your wife's car. Peyton Manning sat out his first game in 14 years. And in tribute, the rest of the Colts sat out the game, too. Threatening messages were posted on the White House Facebook page. Secret Service takes these threats very seriously and they're warning that whoever is responsible runs the risk of being unfriended. There was another Republican debate on CNN. The big winner: Monday night football on ESPN. Mitt Romney said that President Obama doesn't understand that the president doesn't create jobs. Then Romney went on to describe his plan to create jobs once he's elected president. Since Rick Perry has been governor of Texas, 234 criminals have been executed. That's the difference between Texas and California: In California, those criminals would have been given tryouts for the Raiders. Live: Jimmy Kimmel I traveled during the weekend of 9/11 and there was extra security. Not only did I have to take my shoes off -- I had to take my feet off, too! A new report says there has been a sharp increase in the use of marijuana over the last year. Maybe that explains the sharp increase in unemployment over the last year. President Obama wants to get Americans back to what we do best. He wants teachers teaching, police policing, firemen fighting fires, and the rest of us checking Facebook.