The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/81247
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, August 31, 2012 18 latelaughs The Tonight Show: Jay Leno Mitt Romney kept his selection of Ryan as his VP nominee secret for more than a week. You know how he was able to keep it secret? He had it hidden next to his tax returns. Police in Florida have arrested a man who said he finally achieved his goal of shoplifting in all 50 states. You know what you call someone who steals from all 50 states? A congressman! Researchers at the University of Minnesota say movie theater popcorn may cause memory loss. See, that explains why Hollywood keeps making the same movies over and over again! A research group reports that video game sales are down for the eighth straight month. I'll tell you how bad it's been. The other day, I saw a 15-year-old kid riding a bike outside! The Late Show: David Letterman Did you enjoy the Olympics? How about Usain Bolt, the fastest man on earth -- what an athlete! The slowest man on earth? It's the guy at the crosswalk whenever I try to make a right turn. Mitt Romney picked Paul Ryan as his vice-presidential running mate. You seen these guys, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan? They look like father-and-son dentists. Mitt Romney has selected Paul Ryan as his running mate. They say this could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, and I was thinking, "Well, Joe Biden could be a big boost for the Republican ticket, you know?" I think Chris Christie is a good choice for the keynote speaker. I mean, is there a better symbol for belt tightening than Chris Christie? Live: Jimmy Kimmel Athletes from the United States did very well in the Olympics. They won more medals than any country. So congratulations to all the Olympic medal winners/future "Dancing With the Stars" contestants! Mitt Romney chose Paul Ryan as his running mate. Forty-three per cent of Americans have never heard of Ryan, and the others thought he was the private that Tom Hanks brought home from Normandy. Mitt Romney said he wants to cut funding for things like Amtrak and PBS, both of which are subsidized by the government. I don't like the idea of cutting funds for PBS. Things are bad enough already -- one of the Muppets is living in a garbage can! Late Night: Jimmy Fallon It was a great Olympics! Team USA finished the games with 17 more medals than China. China said it was tough to swallow, especially when they had to make all of our "We're No. 1!" T-shirts. Mitt Romney's vice-presidential pick, Paul Ryan, criticized President Obama for not doing enough to create jobs. In response, Obama said: "Didn't YOU just get a new job?" A new poll actually found that 42 per cent of Americans do not approve of Mitt Romney's running mate, which isn't too bad considering most Americans don't approve of Paul Ryan's running mate.