The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/65423
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, May 11, 2012 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien President Obama is proposing to keep student loans cheap as a way to appeal to college students. And if that doesn't work, Obama's going to resort to his second proposal: "Free pizza in my room." Congress is expanding its probe into the Secret Service scandal. Congressmen want to know how this could happen, who was responsible, and do those ladies take Discover cards? Yesterday was Earth Day, and apparently today is Find Out Yesterday Was Earth Day Day. Burger King announced that all their chickens and pigs will all be raised cage free. In response, chickens and pigs said, "That's cool. Now let's talk about the part where we get turned into sandwiches." For the first time in 40 years, more Mexicans are leaving the United States than are coming into it. Not because of our economy -- because they're sick and tired of explaining that Taco Bell isn't real Mexican food. Pizza Hut has introduced a new pizza that contains multiple cheeseburgers stuffed within the crust. It's the first pizza that comes with your choice of soda or an intervention. That Secret Service sex scandal keeps growing. Here's the latest: Three of the Secret Service agents involved in the sex and cocaine scandal are now leaving the agency. On the bright side, they're going to have one hell of a going-away party! Japanese researchers have successfully grown hair on a bald mouse. The researchers are ecstatic, and the mouse is relieved he doesn't have to keep wearing that stupid toupée. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno Lakers player Metta World Peace is still being criticized for the vicious elbow he threw over the weekend. I haven't seen an NBA player take an elbow like that since Kris Humphries got between Kim Kardashian and a camera. Newt Gingrich's campaign is something like $5 million in debt. He is now so broke he's no longer attacking the poor -- because he is one. Not one person was murdered in El Salvador last Saturday in what was the first homicide-free day in nearly three years. The bad news: 50 people got killed during the celebration. The Late Show: David Letterman I'm enjoying this Secret Service scandal. It turned out to be a frisking that got out of control. One of the Secret Service agents had this woman, and the deal was $300 and he gave her $30. I'm thinking, now wait a minute -- I've got no problem with a guy trying to save tax-payer dollars. Live: Jimmy Kimmel They estimate that a billion people participated in Earth Day activities. Then they all went back to driving their SUVs to the gym. For the record, I'm very much against global warming. But I'm also very much against doing anything about it. The E! network has announced they have reached a deal with the Kardashian family to bring us three more seasons of their reality show. If you haven't been keeping up with them, I will bring you up to speed: they went shopping.