The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/58752
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, March 16, 2012 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien It's been reported that Mitt Romney's campaign is spending cash twice as fast as they're earning it. So, hey, it turns out he is just like us after all! Political analysts say the key voting block could be birth control moms. Birth control moms are women who use birth control, but apparently not correctly. Home Depot is reporting record profits. Home Depot said they'd like to share the profits with their employees, but even they can't find them. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno You can tell gas prices are going up in California -- Prius owners are getting that smug look again. Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing ... Italian authorities seized $6 trillion worth of fake, worthless U.S. Treasury bonds. Pretty good counterfeit job, too -- they look just like the genuine worthless Treasury bonds. Taco Bell plans to start selling tacos made out of nacho-cheese Doritos. Their goal is to create Mexican food that's totally unrecognizable to the Mexican people. Dutch scientists say the world's first test-tube meat, a hamburger made from cow stem cells, will be available some time this year. Test-tube meat made from stem cells. I hope it tastes as good as it sounds! Researchers say that technology could be available soon to allow people to live to be 150 years old. To which Larry King's wife said, "No!" The Late Show: David Letterman Spring training has started. Baseball is right around the corner. Pitchers and catchers reported yesterday, infielders today, and tomorrow Hollywood girlfriends report. The Yankees now have a new fragrance. It was just bound to happen because any time you walk into the clubhouse, you say, "Oh wow, if someone could just bottle this ... " Late Night: Jimmy Fallon Microsoft founder Bill Gates attended a fundraiser for President Obama on Friday. He wasn't invited, but in typical Microsoft fashion, he crashed it. CNN announced that instead of using podiums at Wednesday's debate, the GOP candidates will be sitting at a table -- which could get awkward when Newt Gingrich asks to see a menu. A new survey found that most hairdressers don't like listening to their clients' stories. On behalf of clients, I'd just like to tell hairdressers, "Ditto." A man in China discovered a new kind of fish that looks like it has wings and legs. The discovery has led to questions from biologists, and a bidding war between KFC and Red Lobster. A new study found that 16 per cent of Americans under the age of 24 don't have a job. There's even a name for that group: art-history majors.