The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/52177
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, January 6, 2012 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien It's being reported that the new meth capital of America is Missouri. Missouri unseated last year's meth capital of America -- the set of "Two and a Half Men." In Florida, a woman got a new kidney after posting an ad on Craigslist. And the weird thing is she was only looking for a used futon. On the campaign trail, Ron Paul said he does not like his milk homogenized. After this, Rick Perry said: "I am also not a fan of gay milk." North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il died. They have not named his successor yet, but the rumour is that it will be Ryan Seacrest. Kim Jong-Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggered it, but apparently he had a lot of money riding on the Denver Broncos. It was leaked that Tiger Woods' divorce settlement ended up netting his wife almost $100 million. The news was leaked to the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times and Kobe Bryant's wife. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno The National Transportation Safety Board called for an all-out ban on cellphone use while driving. Headsets, Bluetooth, everything would be banned. I read it on my iPhone as I was driving into work this morning. According to a new CBS poll, 33 per cent of Americans say they won't have enough money to cover their holiday spending. I believe these people are called Congress USA Today reports that the number of death row executions this year has hit a 35-year low. They attribute that to DNA evidence clearing more people and the fact that Rick Perry has been on the road campaigning. President Obama now says he didn't know how bad the economy was when he took office. And if it doesn't improve soon, that's what the next president is going to be saying. You know, Barbie is actually called different things in different parts of the world. In Beverly Hills, a Barbie is called "stepmom." The Late Show: David Letterman The war in Iraq is over. It lasted nine years. Let me give you an idea of how long that is: that's 46 Kardashian marriages. They say the Golden Globes predict the Academy Awards. And I thought, yes, in one sense they do predict that, because it's going to be long and boring. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson Ryan Gosling was named "coolest person of the year" by Time magazine. Because when the kids want to know what's cool, they put down their Internets and their smartphones and pick up Time magazine. In ancient mythology, spiders were depicted as symbols of patience because they spend all that time weaving their web. Then they wait until unsuspecting prey stumbles into it and it's all over within a matter of minutes. Nowadays, we call that "a Kardashian marriage."