The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/51499
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, December 30, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien President Obama went shopping, and he wandered into a book store. Rick Perry said, "When I'm president, that will never happen. There will be no book stores." Facebook announced that they are developing a phone. In a related story, MySpace announced that they are developing a fax machine. A man from Mexico is in trouble for helping to build a tunnel from Tijuana to San Diego with electricity, ventilation and railcars. The man is being charged with bringing illegals into the country and bringing public transport dangerously close to Los Angeles. A new study just came out and it disproved the old idea that men think of sex every 7 seconds. Instead, it says that men only think of sex once every 50 minutes. The study was conducted during a taping of "The View." This is a crazy story: In Greenwich, Conn., three wealthy investors who were already worth millions won the $254-million Power Ball jackpot. In a related story, everyone's head at Occupy Wall Street just exploded. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno This is what I love about America. In the Middle East, they take the revolution into the streets. They topple governments. They liberate the oppressors. We riot for a $2 waffle iron. A woman claims she had a 13-year affair with Herman Cain. You know what that means? While he was fooling around with those four other women, he was cheating on his mistress. Vice-President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq. It was a really big surprise, especially to Biden -- Obama told him he was going to Cleveland! The NFL today suspended Detroit Lions defensive lineman Ndamukong Suh for two games. He repeatedly slammed the head of a Green Bay Packer player into the turf and then stomped on the guy's arm. See, in the NFL, that gets you a two-game suspension. At Walmart, it gets you a $2 waffle iron! Congratulations to J.R. Martinez, he won "Dancing With the Stars." You know who really impressed me? Rob Kardashian. He lasted three months with the same partner -- that is a Kardashian record! What's the difference between Herman Cain and Dr. Conrad Murray? Conrad Murray will get to serve a full four-year term. The USDA has fined the Ringling Brothers Circus nearly $300,000 for mistreating the animals. But what about the clowns -- anybody thought of them? Shoving 20 of them in that little car... getting shot out of a cannon every 20 minutes? That's not fair! Facebook could be going public, sparking one of the largest initial public offerings ever, which will value the company at over $100 billion. And MySpace also has some exciting news. They too are hoping to boost profits by having a bake sale this weekend which could bring in as much as $35. Live: Jimmy Kimmel Riot police arrested hundreds of people outside city hall. Still less violent than Black Friday at every Walmart in America! "Sesame Street" went on the air in Afghanistan. Let this be a warning to nations around the world: engage in a war with us and we will invade your country and provide you with quality children's programming.