The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/47982
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, November 18, 2011 18 latelaughs The Tonight Show: Jay Leno According to the University of Kansas, men who feel their survival is threatened are more likely to cheat. And the No. 1 cause that makes men feel their survival is threatened? They got caught cheating. President Obama invited trick-or-treaters to the White House Saturday night and they had a very scary party: they sat in a circle, turned off all the lights and the kids read the president his poll numbers. A bunch of rich kids came to my door and took all of my candy. The other 99 per cent of the kids in the neighborhood are now occupying my lawn. I like shaking hands with people in the front row. You get to share a brief moment, a few seconds of intimate contact, then it's over -- kind of like a Kardashian wedding. After just 72 days, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from her husband. Seventy- two days! I was on at 10 o'clock for longer than that! Forget Rick Santorum saying we should ban gay marriages -- we should ban celebrity marriages, those are the embarrassing ones! The Earth's population hit seven billion people. And if the NBA players don't go back to work soon, it'll be eight billion by August. The Late Show: David Letterman Kim Kardashian is getting a divorce. Her soon-to-be ex-husband is an NBA basketball player. Kim says it's not really a divorce, it's just part of a five-player trade. Did you know that Halloween is the beginning of the holiday shopping season? That's for women. The beginning of the holiday shopping season for men is Christmas Eve. President Obama had his annual physical and everything looks good. His cholesterol is down. Blood pressure? Down. His approval rating? Down. Live: Jimmy Kimmel It's kind of weird wearing a costume into an office. What if you get fired? Nothing sadder than clearing out your things dressed like Dora the Explorer. I wonder if Halloween is the one day of the year Lady Gaga wears sensible slacks. Trick-or-treaters came to the White House for about an hour on Saturday. Conservatives are already accusing the president of seriously depleting our country's Tootsie Roll reserve. I think the scariest costume I saw was a woman dressed as the Creature from the Black Lagoon. Either that or a real housewife of Beverly Hills had just come out of a Botox appointment. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon Tonight's show will last about an hour ... just like Kim Kardashian's marriage. That's right, Kim Kardashian is ending her marriage. Details of the proceedings will remain private -- until E! airs its three-hour divorce special. An 80-year-old man in New York is doing fine after he fell into a sinkhole in his front yard. When kids saw an 80-year-old crawling out of a hole in the ground, they were, like, "That's the best Halloween display ever!" Apple is apparently building a large solar energy farm in North Carolina. And if there's any justice, the minute they're done building it, God will introduce a newer, smaller sun that's not compatible with their machinery.