The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/42408
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, September 16, 2011 18 latelaughs The Tonight Show: Jay Leno Hurricane Irene wasn't that bad. In fact, it was downgraded to a tropical storm. Even our hurricanes are getting downgraded! Maybe Irene owed money to China, too. Over six million people were evacuated from New Jersey ahead of the hurricane. And now, three of them have gone back. President Obama's uncle has been arrested on suspicion of drunk driving. How sad is it for the uncle? He got thrown in jail and the only relative he could call for bail money is $14 trillion in debt! Dick Cheney's new memoir contains some startling surprises. For example, he is still alive. The earthquake last week caused cracks in the Washington Monument. Experts say it's the biggest crack problem in D.C. since Marion Barry. Scientists say that Texas and Antarctica were connected at one time. In fact, early Mexicans used to go through Texas to try to sneak into Antarctica. The Late Show: David Letterman Gadhafi is apparently on the run, though today he released a message congratulating Beyonce on her pregnancy. Moammar Gadhafi had escape tunnels, gold plumbing fixtures and pictures of Condoleezza Rice. It's like I have a twin! Dick Cheney's new memoir will be a best seller. I think it's published by Simon & Shooter. Regis Philbin celebrated his 80th birthday -- quietly, with his money. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson Happy birthday to Sen. John McCain, who turned 75! He celebrated with a party that was going just fine -- until he invited Sarah Palin. The name of Katie Couric's new talk show has been announced. To make sure it has great ratings, they're calling it "Oprah." Prince Charles adopted a puppy. He has floppy ears and a big snout ... and I don't know what the puppy is like. Justin Bieber was in a car crash. Wait, he can drive?... Bieber is fine, but his Ferrari -- wait, he has a Ferrari?... Bieber's Ferrari was wrecked. The police described the scene as "adorable." Our thoughts go out to everyone on the East Coast waiting for Hurricane Irene. In Washington, D.C., thousands of people have been left without power. They're called Democrats. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon At the VMAs, Beyonce revealed that she and Jay-Z are expecting a baby. That kid is going to have everything -- except a last name. The Justice Department is trying to block the merger between AT&T and T-Mobile. It's only fair because AT&T keeps blocking the mergers between me and the people I try to call.