The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/41749
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, September 9, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien The price of gold is at a record high. It's so high that an angry mob looted Mr. T. The CEO of Starbucks said that President Obama shouldn't be vacationing during a crisis and that he should be getting Americans back to work ... so they can afford a $9 cup of coffee. The White House is pointing out that all presidents take vacation. Teddy Roosevelt took trips to Long Island, Harry Truman would go to Key West and George Bush would go to Legoland. The White House sent Vice-President Joe Biden to China. So now we owe them a trillion dollars and an apology! President Obama is on a bus tour talking about jobs, and it was reported that his bus was made in Canada. That's so unpatriotic. If he were a real American, that bus would be made in China. Obama said the housing market may not pick up again for another year or longer. On the bright side, President Obama now has nine people interested in HIS house! Michele Bachmann said that when she is president, gas prices will come down to less than $2 a gallon. When asked how she'll make that happen, she said she'll hunt down the CEO of Exxon and stare at him. Ford engineers are working on technology to let your car communicate with the cars around you. The new technology is called "a horn." The Late Show: David Letterman Tonight, you people are more than an audience to me -- you're more like a human shield. A radical extremist threatened to cut my tongue out. I wish I had a nickel for every time a guy threatened to cut my tongue out. I think the first time was during the Academy Awards! I have a fatwa on me. They say the guy that issued the fatwa is an Internet jihadist. And who says Obama isn't creating jobs?! The State Department is investigating, but everyone knows it's Leno. When they killed bin Laden, he had been locked in a house with three wives for six years. So when the SEALs broke in, he said: "Hey, just shoot me." They felt the earthquake at Martha's Vineyard. It was so bad, President Obama nearly missed a putt. President Obama is enjoying the fun and sun in Martha's Vineyard. It's really sad when your SPF factor is higher than your approval rating. Live: Jimmy Kimmel A new survey has Rick Perry ahead of Mitt Romney by 11 points, and Michele Bachmann is five points behind him. I think it's going to come down to who wears the most flag pins! Rick Perry was a Democrat at one time but only once -- when he was experimenting in college. President Obama is touring the country in a bus. Because nothing inspires hope in the economy like the president riding in a bus. Mitt Romney is calling Obama's bus tour the "Magical Misery Tour," which is kind of funny coming from a member of the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hair Club for Men.