The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/41216
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, September 2, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien The American Psychological Association claims that incivility in the workplace is on the rise. The findings were pointed out to me by one of my stupid employees who I'll probably fire. A year after they were rescued, most of the Chilean miners are still unemployed. Most employers are hesitant to hire them because of that giant gap in their resumes. After Monday's 600-point drop, the stock market fell and got back up again six times the next day. That's right, the stock market is acting like me after two appletinis. Scientists have discovered that Texas and Antarctica were once linked. They say their first clue was when they were shot at by penguins. With the stock market in flux, the price of gold has shot up to almost $2,000. In other words, Flava Flav's mouth is now a millionaire and is about to retire. A new report shows that due to the weak economy right now, more Americans are cancelling their cable television. Good luck trying to live without eight shows about cakes! China has warned the United States that its days of squandering borrowed money are over. Maybe we shouldn't tell the Chinese that we spent $76 million to see the "Smurfs" movie! The Tonight Show: Jay Leno S&P downgraded the United States from AAA to AA+ and it gets worse! Today, Italy, England and Greece un-friended us on Facebook. I don't know why Timothy Geithner would quit working at the Treasury -- it must be an easy job now, especially since there's no money in it! Big riots in the United Kingdom. You can tell it's England because they'e rioting on the other side of the street. A 61-year-old woman ended her attempt to swim from Havana to Florida. She stopped when she realized how bad the American economy was and started swimming in the other direction. Live: Jimmy Kimmel A new poll shows that disapproval of Congress is at an all-time high. Eighty-two per cent of Americans disapprove of the job Congress is doing and the other 18 per cent weren't home when the question was asked. Our national credit rating was downgraded and it caused a nosedive on Wall Street. If I had any understanding of any of this, I'd be very nervous right now. But fortunately, I don't! Al Gore got so angry during a speech about global warming that he almost woke up some of the people in the audience. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon About 45,000 Verizon employees are on strike after failing to reach a new contract. Things are so bad, the S&P downgraded them from "Verizon" to "AT&T." Verizon is expecting service problems this week because of the strike. Today the lady on my voicemail was, like: "You have three new messages. Get them yourself!" America's credit rating took a real hit this weekend. On Friday night, the U.S. actually lost its AAA status. Or as Joe Biden put it: "What happens if I get a flat tire?"