The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/40442
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, August 26, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien A man jumped the White House fence. But after a brief chase, the Secret Service was able to talk President Obama into coming back and finishing his term. This year's season of "Jersey Shore" takes place in Italy. Without giving away too much, I didn't even know the pope had a hot tub. Political analysts say that Oprah Winfrey can help deliver the white, middle-class female vote to Obama. They also say that Dr. Phil could deliver the fake doctor vote. Several Fox News hosts criticized SpongeBob Squarepants for pushing a global warming agenda. Then things got really ugly when they demanded to see Dora the Explorer's immigration papers. The woman who attempted to rob Alex Trebek's hotel room may face 25 years in prison. Even worse: while she's waiting for the judge's decision, they'll make her listen to the music from "Jeopardy." The world's seven billionth person is expected to be born in India in October. He's also expected to look a lot like Arnold Schwarzenegger. The debt deal calls for the formation of a "Super Congress" to take on tougher decisions down the road. In case you're wondering, a "Super Congress" consists of six congressmen from each party plus Wolverine. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno The Cheesecake Factory is now offering a new low-calorie "skinnylicious" menu. As opposed to their old menu, which was "fatastic." Happy birthday to President Obama. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, Obama was in his 40s and his approval rating was in the 50s. Now it's the other way around. There was no birthday party. Or at least, that's what they told Joe Biden. They say 50 is the new 30... not in age but in money: $50 is now worth about $30! A new report has found that adults in Washington, D.C., are among the top users of cocaine in the country. All this time, we thought the problem was government waste, but it's actually that the government is wasted! The Late Show: David Letterman Happy birthday to President Obama, who turned 50 years old. He got some lovely presents: China gave him an extension on his rent. New York City has been chosen as the most walkable city in the world. I think it's true because last night, we had 500 people in this theater who couldn't wait to walk out! Late Night: Jimmy Fallon A new study says that swearing doesn't make you feel better, but you know who disagrees with that? Anyone that has ever stubbed their toe! President Obama celebrated his 50th birthday in Chicago. Obama cut the cake, then Republicans cut everything else. A restaurant in New York is serving a grilled cheese-flavored martini. Or as parents put it: "Finally, a way to get my kids to finish their martinis!"