The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/39127
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, August 12, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien A panel of medical experts has recommended that health insurance companies provide free birth control to all their clients. The recommendation has been hailed as “historic” by women’s groups and “10 years too late” by Maria Shriver. While testifying, Rupert Murdoch was attacked by a man who threw a pie and yelled insulting names. Murdoch immediately gave the man his own show on Fox News. After attending the All-Star Game, the manager of the Chicago Cubs, Mike Quade, was detained by the TSA for 40 minutes. Apparently, TSA wanted to know what someone from the Chicago Cubs was doing at the All-Star Game. Microsoft founder Bill Gates announced that he’s working to reinvent the toilet. Meanwhile, Steve Jobs is coming out with something called the iCrap. A health group has labelled Denny’s Fried Cheese Melt -- a sandwich made of mozzarella sticks -- one of the worst restaurant foods in America. Then the same group got drunk, walked into Denny’s at 2 a.m. and described it as “the best.” The Tonight Show: Jay Leno There’s talk of splitting California into two separate states. Apparently, this divorce between Arnold and Maria is bigger than we thought! President Obama’s 50th birthday is coming up. If you’re thinking about getting him something, he could use about $14 trillion! The Late Show: David Letterman The new “Harry Potter” movie made almost half a billion dollars. Maybe now Harry can afford laser eye surgery. Rupert Murdoch is testifying in front of a committee in parliament and he gets hit in the face with a pie. Police aren’t sure if it was Curly or Moe. It’s so hot in New York that today Anthony Weiner got in bed with his wife just for the chill! Live: Jimmy Kimmel Borders bookstores announced that it will liquidate its stock and close all of its stores nationwide. I don’t think this is what the Republicans meant by “closing our borders.” It’s very hot in most of the country. It’s like we’re trapped in the “Jersey Shore” hot tub and can’t escape. But the heat has been good for The Weather Channel. This is like their Shark Week. The Republican presidential candidates held a debate on Twitter. It combined the excitement of C-SPAN with the suspense of typing. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson The Murdochs testified before parliament for almost four hours. They did something that not many powerful people would have the courage to do: they blamed others. The most exciting part of the hearing was when a spectator threw a pie at Murdoch. The comedian said he originally planned to attack Murdoch with toothpaste, but because it’s England he couldn’t find any. Personally, I think it’s cowardly to ambush an 80-year-old man with a pie in the face. If that guy had any actual marbles, he’d go after Murdoch the way I do: in the middle of the night, from 5,000 miles away.