The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/38528
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, August 5, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien MSNBC suspended one of their commentators for calling President Obama a bad name. Meanwhile, Fox News suspended one of their commentators for not calling President Obama a bad name. Borders bookstores will be liquidated after failing to receive a single bid to buy the company. Unfortunately, all the investors just hung around inside for a while, hoping to use the bathroom. Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka gave birth to a baby girl. The baby’s name is Trump Granddaughter and Casino. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno President Obama says he will not give in on the debt ceiling even if it costs him his presidency. Well, that should make the Republicans fold!?! According to a poll, if the election were held tomorrow, a no-name Republican would beat Obama. When Tim Pawlenty heard that, he said “No-name Republican? That’s me!” In the last month, President Obama’s re-election campaign raised $86 million. But the bad news is to get re-elected, he has to come up with $14 trillion more. Starting next year, all U.S. savings bonds will be electronic rather than printed. So they’ll be paperless, as well as valueless, useless and worthless. According to a survey by Charles Schwab, 16 per cent of teenagers expect their parents to help them financially forever. I believe they’re called “philosophy majors.” A report says that a growing number of Americans are worth $1 million. The bad news: last year they were worth $5 million. The 405 freeway is being widened, retrofitted and reinforced. Or as they call that in Los Angeles, “getting the full Kardashian.” The Late Show: David Letterman They were cleaning a Jet Blue flight and they found a stun gun. Unbelievable!... Who knew Jet Blue cleaned their planes? Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are getting a divorce. She found out that he had a child with Arnold Schwarzenegger’s maid. Mitt Romney is so boring he introduced his own fragrance called “Unscented.” Donald Trump has a new grandchild. Today, he demanded to see its birth certificate. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson The movie that Harry Potter fans have been waiting for is finally here. It’s so tough to get tickets for the new Harry Potter movie that Rupert Murdoch had to hack into MovieFone. Another vandal struck David Letterman’s studio in New York City. We also were vandalized here but it caused more than $40,000 in improvements. “Winnie the Pooh” can teach children important life lessons like “If you see a bear in the woods, make friends with it.”