The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/37810
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, July 29, 2011 18 latelaughs The Tonight Show: Jay Leno The royal couple really immersed themselves in American culture while visiting. In fact, by the time they left, they were $2 trillion in debt. President Obama’s staff got raises of eight per cent, more than double the average for regular Americans, which is three per cent. But in all fairness, many of them will be unemployed next November. A right-wing religious group in Iowa is now asking all the Republican presidential candidates to sign a pledge to remain faithful to their spouses. Didn’t we take this pledge? It’s called a marriage vow. A new study shows that home births are up 20 per cent in the United States. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or in Arnold Schwarzenegger’s case: giving birth in the home they’re cleaning. The 405 freeway will close for a few days ... they said that people are actually booking hotel rooms close to their offices and staying there all weekend to avoid the traffic mess. Hey, if the wife believes it ... ! They don’t think things through -- if they’re gonna close the 405, why not do it on Thanksgiving or Christmas so our relatives can’t get through? It was so hot today, Al Gore released a statement that said “I told you so!” After a short visit to L.A., William and Kate have returned home to England. This marks the first time that two unemployed people from another country have come to L.A. and left. The FBI is now investigating after a stun gun was found aboard a Jet Blue flight to Newark, N.J. They believe a passenger probably intended to use the stun gun on himself after realizing he was on a flight to Newark, N.J. The Late Show: David Letterman Over the weekend, some guy breaks into the Ed Sullivan Theater. I’m told now that Jay Leno has an alibi! It’s 95 degrees today. Ninety-five and miserable -- like Rupert Murdoch. It was so hot today in the nation’s capital, Washington, D.C., that they turned on the debt ceiling fan. They’ll announce the annual Emmy awards for television excellence. It’s quite an honor! It’s a nice feeling to be ignored by your peers. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson One of Rupert Murdoch’s tabloids went too far. What they were doing was they were hacking people’s phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working! Everyone in America is worried about the same thing: The dancers of the Joffrey Ballet are being locked out! This could lead to a strike -- and the most graceful picket line ever. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans. Which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty’s kneecaps. A man was busted at JFK airport for smuggling six pounds of cocaine in his sneakers. That’s right, his plan was hiding cocaine in his shoes -- you know, those things that you never, ever have to take off at the airport.