The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/37244
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, July 22, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien Chris Hansen, the host of “To Catch a Predator,” was caught cheating on his wife with a woman 20 years younger than him. Hansen knew something was up when he walked into his kitchen and he was already there waiting for himself. Earlier, Lindsay Lohan had her house arrest bracelet removed. Then when no one was looking, Lohan slipped the bracelet into her pocket. Anthony Weiner is reportedly involved in choosing his successor. The first question he asked his potential replacements is “What’s the difference between ‘reply’ and ‘reply all’?” California officials are now claiming that the census failed to count over a million residents of the state. So my question is, how did Arnold Schwarzenegger manage to cover up that many children?! North Korea has shut down all its universities for 10 months so students can work in factories. Or as they call it in North Korea: Spring Break! The Tonight Show: Jay Leno A lot of cities are cutting back on fireworks displays this year because of the economy. Here in Burbank, not good -- it was just Diet Coke and Mentos. Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day. She said, “Can you imagine if the British had won the war? We’d all be speaking English today!” It was so hot in California that Arnold Schwarzenegger’s clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire. Casey Anthony was found not guilty. Apparently, what happened was, the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss-Kahn now say that maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. A maid that’s also a hooker -- that’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date! According to a leading scientist on aging, they say that in the next 10 to 20 years, people will be born that will live to be 1,000 years old. And today, the government raised the Social Security age to 965. After dropping his sponsorship deal in 2007 following his dog-fighting conviction, Nike has re-signed Michael Vick as its spokesman. Their new slogan: “Nike -- just do it and we’ll pretend like it never happened.” Gay marriage is now legal in New York. That means that gay men in New York City can finally marry someone other than Liza Minnelli. The Late Show: David Letterman Newt Gingrich is entering the hot dog-eating contest at Coney Island. He hopes to win because he needs the money to pay his Tiffany’s bill. A lot of people are taking time off for the holidays. For example, Rod Blagojevich is going away for a while. Rod Blagojevich was charged with corruption. And unlawful imprisonment of a badger -- have you seen his hair? We’re celebrating our independence from the British. I hope that in a couple years, we’ll be able to celebrate our independence from the Chinese.