The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/33279
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, June 3, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien Donald Trump is not running for president. This is devastating news for Trump’s supporters -- all of whom are late-night comedians. Both Mike Huckabee and Donald Trump have announced they will not run for president. Huckabee’s announcement opens the door for Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum, while Trump’s announcement opens the door for Randy Quaid and Gary Busey. Two days after the raid on Osama bin Laden, Disney trademarked the name “SEAL Team 6.” Disney also renamed their most popular ride: “It’s a Small World -- and We Will Find Where You’re Hiding and Kill You.” Famous physicist Stephen Hawking said there is no heaven, and those who believe there is believe in fairytales. Guests said it was the most awkward wedding toast ever. In a statement, Arnold Schwarzenegger said: “I am truly sorry, there are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused.” Then he said: “But enough about ‘Jingle All the Way’...” Supposedly, Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered the child with a household servant. So now Arnold has made two “Juniors” that he doesn’t want to talk about. Arnold Schwarzenegger secretly had this child 10 years ago. He told his wife Maria about it at the time but it took 10 years for her to figure out what he was saying. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno President Obama’s approval rating, which got a bump after killing bin Laden, slipped again. Which is really bad news -- not for the president, but for Moammar Gadhafi! There’s a new blood test that can tell you how fast you’re aging. It cost $700 ... or you can just look in the mirror. Scientists say they have found the “master switch” that controls obesity. It’s called the refrigerator light. There’s talk of a new “Mad Max” movie where gas is so expensive, people steal and kill to get it. It takes place in the future -- like, July. The Late Show: David Letterman Now that Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president, I’m worried it could be the beginning of another comedy recession. Donald Trump said that NBC talked him into staying. Then Conan O’Brien said: “Don’t fall for that, it’s a trick!” Al-Qaida has a new leader. Experts are calling him a temporary leader -- and so is SEAL Team 6. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon In an interview this week, Hillary Clinton said that she and her family stay in touch by e-mailing each other a lot. In fact, Bill’s even got a separate folder filled with Hillary’s e-mails: the one marked “Spam.” A Dairy Queen in Canada broke a world record this week by creating a 10-ton ice cream dessert. Or as we call that in America, “a medium.”