The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/32612
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, May 27, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien President Obama said that watching the raid on Osama bin Laden’s compound was the longest 40 minutes of his life, with the possible exception of every time he asks Joe Biden “Hey, what’s up?” Regis Philbin has announced that he’s coming out with a memoir this fall. The book will be released as a hardback, on Kindle and an extremely loud book on tape. Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. It’s the first marital separation that will require a mediator, an arbitrator and a translator. President Obama’s approval rating has hit 60 per cent, its highest in two years. Experts say at this rate, Obama can count on re-election if he just kills Osama bin Laden two more times. Al-Qaida has not yet picked a new leader to run their terrorist organization. Apparently, candidates keep losing interest after asking “So what happened to the last guy?” In a new interview, Donald Trump says he uses Head & Shoulders on his hair. As a result, Head & Shoulders is suing Donald Trump for slander. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno Oreo cookies have come out with something called the Triple Double Oreo. It’s three layers of cookie, one layer of white cream filling, another layer of chocolate cream filling. They call it Triple Double Oreo because your waistline triples and your cholesterol doubles! The Late Show: David Letterman The horse that won the Kentucky Derby was given 20-to-1 odds. The same odds they’re giving to Katie Couric’s replacement, by the way. Regis Philbin is about to publish his memoir. You know why he did that? He found out there was some money out there he still didn’t have his hands on. Live: Jimmy Kimmel Simon Cowell started shooting his new TV show, which explains why Baby Gap is sold out of black T-shirts. The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Arnold and Maria released a statement citing irreconcilable differences. Well, Maria cited irreconcilable differences -- translators are still trying to figure out what Arnold said. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson Paul McCartney is getting married again. The couple plans on having an intimate ceremony, which is a nice way of saying that Ringo is not invited. It’s a great day for the newlywed royals! They’re finally heading off on their honeymoon, they’re going to the Seychelles islands. They’ll be there for two weeks of living in pampered luxury followed by a lifetime of ... the same. Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. It’s very sad. Today, Arnold issued a statement saying “Hasta la vista -- to half of my stuff...”