The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/29933
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, April 22, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien President Obama announced he will run for re-election in 2012. Unfortunately, his popularity is so low, he’s running on the slogan “I’m Michelle Obama’s husband.” Officials at BP have filed permits to drill for oil again in the Gulf of Mexico. BP said it’s easier than ever to find oil in the gulf because it’s mostly on top of the water. Medical marijuana users are now lobbying for the right to carry firearms. Think about it: because no one is a better shot than a stoned old man with glaucoma! The CEO of Starbucks announced his intention to expand the coffee shop into a grocery business. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to buy a $4 tomato! Sources are saying that the stars of “Jersey Shore” are demanding more money from MTV before they do a fourth season. The cast says that MTV must come up with the money, or else they’ll take their lack of talent elsewhere. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno President Obama said he plans on running for re-election against the Republicans. After the tax cuts for the rich, the bailouts for Wall Street, and the bombing in Libya, I thought he WAS the Republican candidate! Arnold Schwarzenegger’s going to be starring in a new cartoon called “The Governator.” His arch enemy? The English language! Authorities in the country of Mali arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed. Today, Charlie Sheen called it “the worst air disaster in human history.” President Obama didn’t throw any first pitches for baseball’s Opening Day. Of course, he did throw us that curveball on Libya. The Late Show: David Letterman I’ve made a lot of jokes about Donald Trump running for president. But in all honesty, I’ll be making a lot more. Live: Jimmy Kimmel Charlie Sheen’s live show bombed so badly in Detroit that President Obama gave him a $4-billion bailout. People who saw the show said it was disjointed, confusing, and largely nonsensical, which may have had something to do with the fact that Charlie Sheen hosted it. There’s a $376-million, semi-secret construction project happening at the White House and it’s rumoured that a tunnel is being built underneath. That’s a lot of work for President Obama to get away from his mother-in-law! The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson Scientists say the ozone layer over the Arctic has shrunk a record 40 per cent. It’s the biggest hole in the sky that’s not on a Southwest plane. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon The White House said that President Obama will not focus on full-time campaigning for a long time. He wants to wait a year or two before he gets serious about it, just like he did with being president.