Diversity Rules Magazine

20 Diversity Rules Magazine October 2017 I wrote this blog post when I was 46, having had only come out a mere 9 years earlier. Since National Coming Out Day is fast ap- proaching, I thought I'd share my coming out story entitled, "A Life Hidden … A Life Fabricated" as a reminder that it's OK to be you. Come out, come out, wherever you are! June is Gay Pride Month, where the sights and sounds of parades a n d other public events bring attention to the struggle for gay rights. For those of us that are out and visibly working toward equality for the Queer community, June is an exciting time. is was not always the case. I too at one time was one of the millions of closeted queer folks; never thinking it possible to come out and just live my life the way I wanted to. However, I did it. ose of you who are still in the closet can do it too and be free and out- wardly proud of who you are. I want to begin this article with a quote that epitomiz- es the life I led while living in the closet; "the torment of human frustration, whatever its immediate cause, is the knowledge that the self is in prison, its vital force leaking away in wasteful self-conflict." I personally re- late to this quote. I was living a lie, two lives which frustrated and angered me to no end. I felt like I was in prison not due to my own doing but because of what society dictates us to be and how we should act. I was wasting my life, my inherent potential, my vital life force, on worrying about hiding myself, telling the lies and trying to remember who I told what. Wasteful self conflict is what being in the closet is all about. It is NOT what we are supposed to dwell on in life. My early childhood years were good ones. My folks did the best they could raising my two brothers and me, instilling in us a sense of right and wrong. I was a sensitive, caring young child but deep down I was frustrated about something hidden inside myself. I could not put my fingers on it, but I knew I was differ- ent than my brothers and the other kids I was growing up with. I did not know about or understand the con- cepts of gay and straight and all that. I was angry with myself for being so and starting burying these feelings I had at a very, very young age. It was not until the 5th and 6th grade that I really began to know that something was different. is is the time when young boys begin to transform and un- dergo the "changes." I remember being so enthralled with the male human body at that age and being more attracted to the other boys in my class than I was to the girls. When I got to 7th grade I was very confused and concerned I was growing up "strange" not hav- ing the normal pubescent awakening about what girls were and the realization that hey, it's time to pursue that feeling. I was pursuing a feeling but one that led me to clandestine encounters with a buddy of mine in a sexual way. We both realized there was something much different about the two of us. But due to the intense peer and societal pressures to conform, the lies and the fabrication of another life to hide the real one seriously began at this point in my life. In college I really started to question my sexuality. But being the "Reagan Years" where we had a President that could not even say the word "AIDS" let alone speak about gay issues, I continued to fabricate the lies; the fake life. However, Ronald Reagan's philoso- phy provided me a great opportunity to mold myself into something where no one would ever think I was gay. I started to act and talk like a little young conser- vative, espousing the views of our President and just entrenching the lies much more deeply, which created such confusion, such anger within myself, because I knew what I was saying outwardly was not what I be- lieved inside. I hated myself for it. I would go off to walk alone and disappear for hours; crying and screaming inside myself, "why am I like this?" ose moments would pass and life would continue and I would just make myself believe in things that I really did not believe until reality and myth become inter- twined so much that you just can't tell the difference between the two anymore. At age 27 I finally admitted to myself that I was gay after so many years of denying it. Driving back home from my parents' house, I just yelled out in the car, "I A Life Hidden My Coming Out Story By Jim Koury, Editor/Publisher

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