The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/68398
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, June 1, 2012 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien A Republican official says that Mitt Romney should pick "an incredibly boring white guy as running mate." When he heard that, Joe Biden said: "Thanks, I've already got a gig." Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg turned 28 this week. He got a watch from his girlfriend, a sweater from his parents, and from the rest of us: all of our credit card numbers. The Dalai Lama is saying that China trained a woman to assassinate him by putting poison in her hair. Luckily, the Dalai Lama had recently just stopped eating hair. A janitor has graduated from Columbia University with honors as a classics major. With his new degree in classics, he's now qualified to become a janitor. An Idaho man says he was bitten by a rattlesnake at Walmart. The man grew concerned when he saw something at Walmart that was fast-moving and skinny. President Obama went on "The View." He went on "The View" because they're the only group of women the president trusts his Secret Service agents to be around. As of Friday, you'll all be able to buy shares of Facebook. This is perfect for anyone who's ever logged on, looked at pictures of their friend eating a sandwich, and thought, "Now there's a sound investment." Researchers are developing a stay-sober pill that will prevent you from getting drunk off alcohol. It's perfect for the drinker who wants all the calories of alcohol but none of the fun. The Tonight Show: Jay Leno President Obama was in Nevada this weekend. Finally some good news for the Secret Service: a place in America where prostitution is legal! JP Morgan announced they lost $2 billion last quarter. That's 133 Obama-Clooney fundraisers. The Octomom has finished her porn movie. The producers saved a lot of time on the credits because nobody wanted any. The Late Show: David Letterman Over the weekend, Betty White endorsed Barack Obama. I think I'm going to wait and hear what Angela Lansbury has to say. JP Morgan lost $2 billion in bad trades. Mitt Romney once lost $2 billion, then he found it in another pair of pants. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson Television is cruel. You know how the cast of "CSI: Miami" found out they were being canceled? They were doing an autopsy on a guy and they found the pink slip in his stomach. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon During his commencement speech at Liberty University, Mitt Romney revealed that his campaign staff loves Chick-fil-A. The other thing he revealed? That he doesn't know what to say in a commencement speech. Investors will be able to buy shares of Facebook stock for the first time ever. It's great -- now you can lose all your money in the same place you lost all your time.