The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/66444
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, May 18, 2012 18 latelaughs The Tonight Show: Jay Leno The Secret Service has withdrawn its protection of Newt Gingrich in advance of him formally announcing the suspension of his campaign. His Secret-Service protection was costing us $44,000 a day. I guess they figured it wasn't worth it anymore to protect Newt from all the people trying to ignore him. The Secret Service announced that agents will now be assigned chaperones on certain trips. What is that? I thought the Secret Service WAS the chaperone! Here's a little bit of history. On this day in 1789, George Washington became the first president of the United States -- after just narrowly beating out Ron Paul. German authorities report they have discovered digital files hidden in a porn movie that outline al-Qaida's plans for more terrorist attacks. I believe this is the first time that a porn film has ever contained a plot. Legendary poker player Amarillo Slim has passed away at the age of 83. His friends were stunned -- they thought he was bluffing. The Late Show: David Letterman Today is Osama bin Laden day. One year ago they got a hold of Osama bin Laden. SEAL Team 6 broke into his compound and Osama bin Laden never knew what hit him. It's like a Kardashian husband. Since Osama bin Laden was killed, they say the brand name of al-Qaida has been damaged. Osama bin Laden's death has damaged the brand -- well that and poor customer service. There is a woman who has lived in the same apartment here in Manhattan for 100 years. She moved in back in May 1912, right after she broke up with Regis. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson I was doing stand-up comedy in the Pacific Northwest. I don't want to say people in Oregon smoke a lot of weed, but the state bird is the iguana. Not such a great day for President Obama. Today he admitted he "made up" a girlfriend in his autobiography. It's a good thing Oprah's off the air because this would have gotten him kicked out of the book club. Today "Travel and Leisure Magazine" came out with their list of America's best airports. They always give high marks to airports with indoor gardens and yoga rooms instead of stuff that really matters to me, like how quickly I can get out of baggage claim after stealing somebody's suitcase. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon A couple in Indiana claims that a deer got into their house and filled up their bathtub with water. Even weirder: the deer also lit some candles and put on a John Legend CD. There's a new restaurant in Oregon that serves food infused with medical marijuana. It's annoying when customers call the waiter over and they're like, "Hey, we never got our appetizers. Wait, did we get our appetizers?..." During a speech on Friday, Mitt Romney told students that if they want to go to college or start a business, they should just borrow money from their parents. That should work fine as long as your parents are Mitt and Ann Romney. After the prostitution scandal in Colombia, Secret Service agents are banned from bringing guests back to their hotel room. The new policy is raising lots of questions like, "So, your place then?..."