The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/61893
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, April 13, 2012 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien Former vice-president Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. The new heart is working so well that Cheney has already gone to Whoville and returned all their Christmas presents. President Obama is getting tough with North Korea. Over the weekend, he warned Kim Jong-un that bad behavior would not be rewarded. Then Kim Jong-un asked, "So how do you explain yet another season of 'Jersey Shore'?" Over the weekend, a woman broke into Simon Cowell's home, and he found her in his bathroom holding a brick. Simon approached the woman cautiously and told her: "Paula, put down the brick ... " In California, a medical marijuana delivery driver told police his pot was stolen by two ninjas. Folks, I don't have a joke for that story -- I just love California. Newt Gingrich's campaign is charging people $50 to pose for a picture with Newt. And for $100 you can get one without Newt. The man who hacked into Scarlett Johansson's cellphone and posted nude photos of her has pled guilty. However, the judge has reduced the man's sentence if he solemnly swears to do it again. In Germany, a court has ruled that German police are allowed to racially profile citizens. But don't worry, it's Germany, so things shouldn't get out of hand! The Tonight Show: Jay Leno President Obama is currently in Korea where he visited the DMZ. To which Paris Hilton said: "Why does he need to get a Korean driver's licence?" are using special mobile surveillance units. I believe they're called taxi cabs. This weekend, 71-year-old former vice-president Dick Cheney received a heart transplant. And I thought this was nice: they let him shoot the donor himself! A new experimental cholesterol-fighting drug is now creating a huge buzz among researchers. They say this drug could be life-changing. Well, not a moment too soon, huh? I mean, for a minute there, a lot of Americans thought they might have to start eating healthy. The Late Show: David Letterman Anybody see "The Hunger Games"? It's about a competition to get food. It's like living with Gov. Christie over in New Jersey. They're so excited to see the Pope in Cuba. They raised a lot of money and bought him a brand-new 1955 Chrysler. The Pope is down there in Cuba to fire up the Catholics and to scout pitchers for the Yankees. Live: Jimmy Kimmel Tiger Woods did something unusual this weekend: he won a golf tournament. Tiger's now a 4-to-1 favorite to win at the Masters. They say all he has to do is stay away from Ambien, Escalades and hostesses at the Waffle House. Pope Benedict XVI spent the weekend in Mexico. He likes to spend spring break at Senor Frog's -- he's been doing it since he was in college. The New York Police Department says Iran has conducted surveillance inside New York City. They say Iranian operatives