The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/49810
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, December 9, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O'Brien PETA is criticizing Nintendo's new game, Super Mario 3-D Land, because in that game, Mario wears fur. But for some reason, PETA's totally cool with Mario's lifetime abuse of turtles. Ron Paul's campaign is upset because during last week's Republican presidential debate, he only got to speak for 89 seconds. Meanwhile, Rick Perry's campaign is upset because during last week's debate he got to speak. Two Occupy Wall Street protesters got married at the protest. They are registered at Bed, Bath and Seriously-You-Need-to-Take-a-Bath. Police in New York are reporting that any individual who enters with a large backpack may be refused entry to Zucotti Park. In a related story, police have just arrested Dora the Explorer. Starbucks announced plans to open a line of juice bars. They would have done this years ago, but it took them a while to figure out how to burn orange juice. The woman who claimed that Justin Bieber was the father of her baby has dropped her suit. In other words, Justin had to find out where babies come from for nothing. Someone shot a bullet at the White House. Secret Service immediately ruled out Jon Huntsman because that guy has no shot at the White House! The Tonight Show: Jay Leno President Obama recently attended a college basketball game in San Diego that was aboard the USS Carl Vinson. He said it was nice to finally be standing on a ship that wasn't sinking. Researchers from Denmark have found that male spiders trick females into mating by giving them worthless gifts -- like NBA season tickets. NBA stands for No Basketball Anymore. The players' union has rejected the owners' latest contractual proposal, so it looks like the NBA season may be over. So we all lose. As opposed to the regular season, when just the Clippers lose. Kentucky Fried Chicken has introduced its new Cheesy Bacon Bowl. It's fried chicken, cheese and bacon. But instead of a bucket, it's served in a coffin. Brad Pitt has announced that he will retire from acting in three years. Even more shocking: Lindsay Lohan announced that she was still acting. The Late Show: David Letterman Silvio Berlusconi is stepping down as prime minister of Italy. He's being replaced by Billy Crystal. The NBA talks have broken down. It's Day 138 of the NBA lockout. Or, as Kim Kardashian refers to it, a lifetime. They had a midnight raid and the cops cleaned out Zucotti Park, where the Occupy Wall Streeters were camped out for about two months. So, if you're keeping score, here's what the score is now -- protestors arrested: 70, Wall Street executives arrested: 0. The mayor said the reason people were thrown out of Zucotti Park was because the conditions were hazardous; they were dangerous and unsanitary. And I'm saying, if that's a reason to throw people out of the park, we'd all have to be thrown out of New York!