The O-town Scene

September 04, 2014

The O-town Scene - Oneonta, NY

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Dear Derek Jeter: Congratulations on doing the impos- sible: keeping a job for longer than six months. You are a grown man who made a career out of "short-stopping" while I am a grown woman who sometimes uses "short-cuts." (Yes, I use brownie mix on occasion and, also, I sometimes skip the baking part.) So, really, we're not that different. I do wish that you had consulted me about your retirement announcement as it has been my experience(s) that once you let management know you are leaving, you are no longer able to freely access the office supply closet. By giving an entire season's notice, you have derailed the Post-It train, so have fun shopping for stationery supplies at BJ's with the rest of us. (Avoid the self-checkout lane if possible as you will, at some point, find yourself stuck between having to pack up the items you scanned without having a cart in which to put them and then it's all downhill from there. Literally. The floor at register 11 in the Schenectady BJ's has a slight list. Good luck fielding a cart filled with cases of Pellegrino water and powdered detergent. And wine. Cases of wine.) So how will Sports Illustrated's 2009 Sportsman of the Year spend his days? Well, many folks find great satisfaction working in the school district. It's where people who want summers and snow days off end up. As a man who has spent years lacing up his own athletic shoes, you would be a big help to the Pre-K and kindergarten teachers as well as the high school bowling team. And with your highly transferable skill set, you could be an as- sistant coach in no time. You may also choose to use your ce- lebrity for good and make appearances on shows like "Jeopardy!" where your winnings are donated to charity. (Sorry, "Derek Jeter's Acting School" is not a registered charity but, having seen your guest appearances on SNL, I can honestly say that if anyone needs acting lessons, it's you.) So if TV is not your thing and you want your guest appearances to be kept secret, I suggest that you use a pseudonym like "Jerek Deter." I'm certain that during the "meet the contestants" part of the show Alex Trebek will ask you about the origins of the name "Jerek." Don't sweat it — he's really just waiting for the opportunity to speak French and then take some money back from you because of some minor infrac- tion. (It's okay for Derek Jeter/Jerek Deter to hate Alex Trebek like the rest of us. You're a man of the people now.) You look nice in a uniform, so I wouldn't rule out employers like UPS or FedEx. Circling back to that 2001 SNL appear- ance for a moment: maybe NOW is the time to consider an actual "Derek Jeter's Taco Hole" franchise. (You can just stand still during the commercial and let the ac- tors act around you.) Also, if you play a musical instrument, a tambourine or something, maybe you could reconnect with former teammate Bernie Williams and go on tour. Finally, there's the option of taking a well-deserved rest. Maybe hang out with friends, take a yoga class, grab some In- dian food and then a quick nap before the school bus arrives. Oh, wait, that's me. See, we're really not that different. Renee Nied writes about parenting, food, David Lynch and other important subjects from her home in Schoharie County at freshairand And I Own A Pair Of Golden Gloves Too! 4 O-Town Scene Sept. 4, 2014 Fresh Air & Sarcasm By Renee Nied That 'Derek Jeter's Taco Hole' idea may be worth another look.

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