The Daily Star - Stay Tuned
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/33825
The Daily Star, Oneonta, N.Y., Friday, June 10, 2011 18 latelaughs Conan: Conan O’Brien The good news is: the apocalypse did not happen. The bad news is: we kind of thought it would so we don’t have much of a show tonight. President Obama is traveling through Europe. Today he was in Ireland. While he’s there, Obama’s Secret Service code name is The Black Guy Who’s In Ireland. The United States government has finally decided that no one is getting the $25 million reward for the killing of Osama bin Laden. The problem is that no one wants to be the one to break the news to SEAL Team 6. A new Facebook app is coming out that will remind users exactly what they were doing a year ago from that day. Nine times out of 10, the answer will be “wasting your time on Facebook.” The Tonight Show: Jay Leno A lot of people are very nervous about this whole Rapture thing, though a lot of people didn’t understand it. For instance, Sarah Palin said: “The raptures were the scariest part of ‘Jurassic Park.’” The Late Show: David Letterman The new date for the apocalypse is Oct. 21. Or Oct. 22 if it rains on the 21st. Dick Cheney has a memoir being published this summer. He did a great deal of research and, in fact, to get all of the facts, he actually had to waterboard himself. Live: Jimmy Kimmel Harold Camping has shifted his prediction of the apocalypse from May 21 to Oct. 21. Which is great because now I don’t have to buy a Halloween costume. The Late, Late Show: Craig Ferguson President Obama just kicked off a six-day European tour. It’s terrifying because this means Joe Biden is in charge. You can use genealogy to trace your ancestors now. In 100 years, scientists will be able to tell that three-quarters of all Americans are descended directly from Arnold Schwarzenegger. Doctors say that dancing helps older people improve their memories, but that’s still not going to get me to dance. By the way, they say dancing helps older people improve their memories. Oprah had her last show. Everyone got a car and a Stedman. I like to think Oprah will be like Batman, that we can shine a spotlight into the sky and she’ll reappear when we need her most -- like when we can’t figure out what to read. Late Night: Jimmy Fallon President Obama visited the Irish village where his great-great-great-grandfather was born. Of course, that was always disputed by his great-great-great-grandfather’s archrival, Donny McTrump. Indiana Gov. Mitch Daniels emailed his supporters over the weekend to tell them he’s not running for president. In response, his supporters were, like, “Dad, we live in the same house! Couldn’t you just tell us in person?” A new study found that cleaning your house can increase stress. But so can hiring someone else to do it for you -- just ask Maria Shriver!