Diversity Rules Magazine

sex and sex workers I felt it was me to have a voice. I needed to be heard but not shou ng from a podium of righteousness. I needed to show the human side of the work I do. JRK: You stated that your story as recounted in the book is about libera ng our minds and hearts to give and receive love. How does the book do that? DPW: I believe my book permits us to see that our trauma and shame doesn't have to con nue to dictate our reac on to the world we live in. My story clear- ly shows example a er example of how shame and trauma colored the world I lived in and what it did to me. I shed some pre y big moments of awakening to love and being un- able to receive it and what that does to people. It has a message of self- acceptance and acceptance of oth- ers throughout it. JRK: You spoke about fear driving our ac ons and that we pay dearly for allowing that to happen. Based on your life experiences, how can we control and overcome our fears? DPW: I do not know how to control or overcome them. I do not see it that way. That sounds like we are figh ng our fears or trying to de- stroy them or beat them. That is a set up for more fear. What we fight only gets angrier. You can't beat fear into submission for long. It will certainly return. Learning to experi- ence it and find out what it is teaching us … well that is a whole new ballgame. I believe from my life experience most all of us have experienced a defining moment of shame in our lives. At that moment we shi ed and changed from a care- free non-judgmental child to one of self-awareness about how others see us. Many people experience deep rejec on and shame and many grow out of it and grow to live pre y func onal lives but con nue living in the shame-based founda on or I should say indoctrina on of that belief system. There comes a day for all of us that we fit in and thrive in this system of what one might call "normal living" or there comes a me to break free from it. Most people surrender, and mold their lives to fit in and seek the comfort of a se led life avoiding the fears. Maybe it includes a partner, job, kids, church, or a community but that shame or shall I call it "the shi " begins to build, especially men who have stuffed their emo ons and secrets away for many years. This plays hell on our well being. There is a huge popula- on of men dying faster and earlier due to despair. Men that carry this fear which shame of being ex- posed or vulnerable. They are at the most high risk because they have spent a life me dodging their emo ons. Afraid of what they mean or what others will think. This is true for women as well and I do not mean to pour on the men so much. Sadly men seem to be the real problem these days (yes that is bias). I point out pre y clearly that there is no one size fits all solu on to fear which btw I don't necessarily think of it as fear. Fear is a direct result of a learned reac on that was meant for survival. When you speak of fear in this context it truly is about shame-based beliefs and learned behaviors. We have a long horrid history of telling boys to "man up," "do not cry." Be strong and never show your weakness (vulnerability) and now self-pres- erva on has taken on this role and thus we relate it to fear because it feels the same. "If they only knew" all the hidden parts of us that we fear. All the ideas of how I need to present to the world to "belong" or "be safe" are all ed up around this idea of fear and come from a place of shame. I am not a big proponent of this idea face your fears. I see it more of a "see your fears for what they are" and then take ac ons that meet you right where you are. A closeted gay man may feel a bit of relief when he comes out but he will s ll have to have the full expe- rience of coming out no ma er what that looks like. Same with boys who have been sexually abused and have held it as a secret their en re lives. It will chew away at your core and if not addressed embraced and allowed to be seen NOT necessarily by others but seeing that experience from the past and holding space for that pain and damage that was done. There comes a me when expressing all the guilt, shame, and toxins from that me will become necessary to feel free and safe again. Releasing that trauma and shame can be brutal but lifesaving. Wichman - Con't on page 6 Diversity Rules Magazine | June 2020 | 5

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