The O-town Scene

The Advice Goddess By Amy Alkon ness time for a couple? Ball and chain What is an appropriate amount of together- My 9-year-old son spends half the week with me, plus every other weekend. My girl- friend of a year wasn't happy with only the other half of my time, so she started joining me and my son. She and I are now together 5 1/2 days a week (3 1/2 of which are also with my son). I'm never alone; I have no time to go grocery shopping, etc.; and no one's happy. My son prefers being alone with me; she enjoys him but feels she's sacrificing our time together. On Saturday, I had an important business meeting at 10 a.m. and a 2 p.m. coffee with a visiting guy friend. I had paperwork to do in between, meaning I'd be away from her from 9 to 5. She was really upset, acting almost betrayed, and wanted me to resched- ule everything for my Saturday with my son. I said no. Don't mistake this woman for someone who loves you just be- cause she's in a relationship with you, and love is usually considered the point of that sort of thing. A woman who loved you would want you to be happy and comfort- able and would respect that you're trying to be a good dad, even if it meant seeing you less. If that didn't work for her, the loving approach would be ending it with you, not guilting you into saying, "Sorry, son … you'll have to throw the ball across the yard and go get it your- self. Daddy's girlfriend hasn't seen him in almost 45 minutes." Amy Alkon is a syndicated ad- vice writer whose column runs in more than 100 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. Although the column reads as humor, it's based in science, psychology, evolutionary psy- chology and ethics. She then said she'd come for coffee before my meeting, lunch afterward, and join me and my friend. I'm normally nonconfronta- tional, but I again said no. She complained all weekend. Now I'm afraid to even schedule a haircut Saturday, the only time I can go. — Overwhelmed Your girlfriend makes intestinal parasites seem like bong-hitting slackers. It sounds so nice when a woman tells you she always wants to be by your side — until you realize that she means like your ear or your right arm. (At a carnival, it must be a tough fit in the Porta-Potty.) There's something very wrong with your girlfriend. She might have been compelled to get cracking on the repair job had you stood up to her from the start. But, by wimping out, you enabled her, basically giving her the go- ahead to colonize every moment of your time and giving her a year to get used to it. At this point, doing what you obviously need to — getting time to yourself and quality time alone with your son — should go over like ripping a Band-Aid off a burn victim. But, if you want things to change, you have no other choice than to lay down limits and stay firm on them. It's possible you'll lose her, but that surely beats slapping a police officer and tripping a jail guard just to get a few days of alone time in a cramped, windowless cell. Contrary to what you've been led to believe, your needing a haircut or wanting to spend time with your son or a guy friend without female supervision isn't a sign that you're a failure as a man and a boyfriend. And beyond needing to be off-leash long enough to hit the grocery store, a man needs time to sit on the pot like "The Thinker" or grunt and drool a little in front of the TV. deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD. She was diagnosed about 10 years ago, in her early 20s. She takes medication that helps her focus better at work and has steps (like writing everything down) to avoid forgetting important things, stay more organized, etc. Despite this, she is very disorganized and often gets distracted. (I sometimes catch her checking out when we're right in the middle ADH ... what? My girlfriend of eight months has attention- of a phone conversation.) She often runs late and forgets things — minor things as well as major things. She can also be very impatient. There are a lot of great things about her and us, and we do love each other. Still, when she forgets about me or is totally unready (as in, unshowered and wearing a towel) when I come to pick her up, I can't help but feel like not quite a priority to her. — The Boyfriend There are surefire ways to get a woman's attention, like kneeling and pulling out a big gleaming rock. For an ADHD woman, you may also want to hire one of those street- corner sign-spinner guys to stand next to you in a chicken suit jerking a big arrow at the ring. This should substantially improve your chances of hearing a simple yes or no instead of "Oh, no, I think I left my stove ... we should order Chinese. Did I charge my cellphone? Look, a spider!" ADHD is a stupidly named disorder. Those with it don't have a deficit of attention; they just have problems controlling the allocation of their attention, explains researcher Dr. Martha Bridge Denckla on Dana.org. Having ADHD is like trying to think while having 16 squirrels in your head, all scam- pering off in different directions. I know this firsthand, because I was diagnosed with The print edition is available online at ADHD about 15 years ago and take Ad- derall to make the little squirrels sit at their little desks so I can focus and write. Unfortu- nately, Adderall isn't a miracle cure. As my boyfriend likes to joke when he's asking me about something important: "Do I have your divided attention?" People dating those with ADHD tend to take its effects personally. In the heat of the moment, it's easy to forget that your girlfriend has a mind like a steel sieve. For your rela- tionship to work, you both need to try harder, but in different ways. You need to accept that she isn't a regular- brained person, and she needs to avoid acting like she probably does in the world of the regular-brained — by hiding it when her attention wanders off. (You can't have a life with somebody if she's always pretending she's heard what you just said.) She also needs to admit it when she's feel- ing too impatient to discuss or do something. She needs to see that she's on time when it's important to you, and you need to have perspective when she comes to the door in a towel when it's not. Ultimately, making things work comes down to wanting to be together so much that the tradeoffs seem worth it. As I've noticed in my own relationship ... my dog needs a bath. Kale. Like Pauline Kael but spelled differently and also it's a vegetable. Do you think the Iranians have nukes? Sorry ... what was I saying about ADHD? (c)2012, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon. Read Amy Alkon' s book: "I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society" (McGraw-Hill). www.otownscene.com Sept. 6, 2012 O-Town Scene 23

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