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2 GREATERmilwaukeeJOBS • February 25 2016 Leaders who can't talk tough must be taught & A Q A. Start by reframing the situa- tion. Criticizing sounds harsh; how does it feel if you think about it as identifying opportuni- ties for improvement and men- toring them as a route to improvement? Take a step even further back to define your vision of a great leader. List the behaviors and characteristics that go with lead- ership, perhaps drawing on exam- ples (positive and negative) from your past.Thinking about leader- ship examples from unrelated fields, even movies and books, can help you develop your exemplar. And then think about the reasons these characteristics are appealing to you. Spend some time reflecting on yourself, your core nature and your greatest strengths. Know how you will inspire! Know the ways you'll enable excellence. And, as part of this, know how you can provide support to help your team members improve. Also consider what holds you back. If it's hard to give "negative" feedback, what are you afraid of? One of my favorite books when training to be a coach was "Exec- utive Coaching with Backbone and Heart: A Systems Approach to Engaging Leaders With Their Challenges" by Mary Beth O'Neill. I mention this because I was all heart and little backbone; if that's your situation, I know from experience that you really do need to acquire the strength to challenge the people around you. Think of it this way. If you don't give people the feedback they need to address possible blind spots, you're holding them back. You're also insulting them by treating them as too weak to hear your input. You would not want to be treated that way and have probably benefited from honest feedback in your past. So, on to ways to change your behavior. It may be as simple as using a scripted framework. "I" messages are extremely helpful. For example, "I have noticed that you're abrupt when talking to your co-workers.This has caused others to be stressed and unhap- py at work. I am asking you to be more patient when interacting with the team." Notice this has three elements: personal observa- tion of a problem behavior, the effect of that behavior and your expectation. Then ask for their thoughts and encourage dialogue about solutions. There also needs to be known consequences. If team members are not doing quality work, define a road map for improvement with milestones that need to be met, and that not reaching these mile- stones could lead to job change, demotion or termination if the issues are severe. Remember that being a leader is not just about critiques. Balance being both exacting and nurturing because if your team doesn't think you care, the drive to excel- lent tactical performance will fall flat. Also keep in mind that a change in leadership style can be confusing, so be transparent with your team, perhaps even men- tioning that you're trying to grow and improve as a leader, so they may see some changes. Your demonstration of trust will help them be open to growth, too. Q. I know that to be an effective leader I need to be able to criticize people's performance and help them improve. The problem is, I am really uncomfortable with that. How can I get a little tougher? By Liz Reyer Tribune News Service (TNS) Liz Reyer is a credentialed coach with more than 20 years of business experience. Her company, Reyer Coaching & Consulting, offers services for organizations of all sizes. Submit questions or comments about this column at www.deliverchange.com/coachscorner or email her at lizdeliverchange.com. It's as simple as 2 + 2 = 4, but we treat it like it's a complex quadratic equa- tion. It's as if simple logic is trumped by a baked-in belief that kindness isn't compatible with success in the working world. What led me down this rabbit hole is the work of Mary Rowe, an adjunct professor of negotiation and conflict management at the MIT Sloan School of Management. In the early 1970s, she coined the terms "micro- inequities" and "micro- affirmations." In a 2008 paper, she defined micro-inequities as "apparently small events which are often ephemeral and hard-to- prove, events which are covert, often unintention- al, frequently unrecog- nized by the perpetrator." Basically, it's the little things – the little mean or thoughtless or selfish things we do, sometimes without thinking, that can accumulate and create a toxic environment. In her research Rowe noticed: "Little acts of disrespect, and failures in performance feedback, seemed to corrode some professional relationships like bits of sand and ice." If we engage in small acts of jerkitude, it stands to reason that we might also commit unconscious acts of kindness. Those are the micro-affirma- tions: "Small acts, which are often ephemeral and hard-to-see, events that are public and private, often unconscious but very effective, which occur wherever people wish to help others to suc- ceed." Those sound nice, right? Rowe wrote: "Micro- affirmations lie in the practice of generosity, in consistently giving credit to others – in providing comfort and support when others are in distress, when there has been a failure at the bench, or an idea that did not work out, or a public attack. Micro- affirmations include the myriad details of fair, spe- cific, timely, consistent and clear feedback that help a person build on strength and correct weakness." At the top of her list of actions people can take to decrease micro-inequities and increase micro-affir- mations is: "Managers can and should pay atten- tion to 'small things.'" And how does one pay attention to small things? BY BEING A DECENT HUMAN BEING!!! The micro behaviors Rowe has studied, I believe, are directly tied to macro behaviors. If you're consciously a kind and thoughtful person, your unconscious behav- iors will trend in that direction as well. If you're overtly an alpha-dog determined to get his or her way, your uncon- scious behaviors will trend toward the more inequitable. Which brings us back to our question: Why is it so difficult for workplaces to achieve widespread kind- ness and the efficiency that would logically follow? This may seem like a micro-inequity, or maybe even a macro one, but the answer is: I don't know. Workplaces are compli- cated and our work cul- ture has long put an emphasis on toughness and discipline. Old habits die hard, I suppose. I asked Rowe about all this in an email and she responded, suggesting: "In your next column, ask each reader to discuss with one other person the idea that kindness and respect would create hap- pier workers and more productive workplaces. And then to ask that person to ask one more." So I'll ask you all to do that, because it seems no harm can come from such a thing. And I'll also ask you to share your opinions on this subject. Has your company figured out a way to promote kind- ness? What do you think are the main road- blocks to applying what we know about the bene- fits of being nice in the workplace? Is this all a pipe dream? Are we doomed to micro- inequities and the draw- backs of bad behavior? I've got a head full of questions and I need your help. Email me at IJust- WorkHeretribpub.com. I might share your thoughts in a future column, a micro-affirmation of your willingness to join the conversation. I'm not naive enough to think this exercise will solve monumental prob- lems. But maybe it helps a little. And afterward we can all go for ice cream. search ... from page 1 A publication of Conley Media Call Center Director: Cindy Shaske 262-306-5016 cshaske@conleynet.com Account Executive: Julie Sears 262-306-5008 jsears@conleynet.com Story Coordinator: Dan Muckelbauer 262-513-2626 dmuck@conleynet.com Production: Patricia Scheel 262-513-2690 GREATERmilwaukeeJOBS Volume 18 • Number 23 February 25, 2016 To place an ad: Call us at 262-306-5008 or fax us at 262-338-5271 deadline: Noon on Wednesdays Distributed by: Conley Distribution 262-513-2646 ©2016 by Conley Media, LLC Waukesha County Independent and Locally Owned GREATERmilwaukeeJOBS is published weekly by Conley Media – Waukesha County, 801 N. Barstow St., Waukesha, WI 53186. Contents of this publication may not be reproduced in any form without the written consent of the publisher. GREATERmilwaukeeJOBS assumes no liability for any error in copy or content. 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