The O-town Scene

The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon By Custer’s last nightstand My boyfriend still shares a weekend/vaca- tion house with his ex-wife. He just framed a photo of me and put it on the nightstand next to his bed, the spot where he previously put unimportant photos — ones of his dogs and trips with college friends. All the photos of his family members (and of his now-ex-wife) are along the stairway. Should I say something? — Hurting Are the throw pillows plotting against you? Has his trash been talking trash about you again? It seems you’re a Couch Whisperer, blessed with the rare gift for understanding the secret language of household objects. You know better than to find it sweet that your picture is the last thing the guy’ll look at before he falls asleep and the first thing he’ll see upon waking up. If he really loved you, he’d have his ex’s picture on his nightstand and stick yours between fat dead Uncle Joe and the fishing picture of his pimply cousins. Or, better yet, he could just forget that the house is a shared space and post a picture of her replacement over the fireplace. Should you say something? Absolutely … to a therapist, before your toxic fear and fester- ing insecurity drive your boyfriend to relocate your photo to a place many will see it — if they remove the note taped over your face reading, “Yard Sale, everything on this table 50 cents or less.” Sane-sex attraction I’m an African-American gay woman in my mid-20s. I initially had relationships with men, but I’m just not attracted to or compelled by them. Women make me feel alive, exhila- rated, connected, and challenged, and sex is the bomb. So, I know I truly love women … but most lesbians, including my current girlfriend, are crazy. I can’t deal with their constant breakdowns because I didn’t call enough, compliment enough, rub enough, or whatever else I should be doing but am not. Things felt more emotionally bal- anced with men (proba- bly because I didn’t really care). I feel stuck between engaging in meaningless relationships with men and living a life of pas- sion and disappointment with women. What would you do if you were in my little gay pink slippers? I think you need to fol- low the Internet traffic. A substantial portion seems to be those forwarded lists — from both men and women — explain- ing why whichever sex they’re dating compares unfavorably to dogs. Clearly, we should ditch these complicated human relationships for a simpler kind of love — the one we’d share with a partner who’s beyond happy as long as we keep throwing it a dirty tennis ball and dropping pieces of food on the floor. The sad fact is, anyone who can’t describe him or herself as “cocker spaniel-curious” has a problem. According to women, men’s emo- tions run the gamut from H to H (Hungry to Horny), they think the correct place for a wet towel is “wherever it happens to fall when they’re done drying off,” and they leave the toilet seat up and still manage to miss the bowl. (“Why, why, why, when you have a pee device shaped like a pointer?”) — Fed Up Men find women naggy, con- trolling, and prone to verbal ex- cess — that is, when they aren’t expressing themselves with pout- ing and drawer-slamming. The man’s left to parse whether the acting out is just a fun feature of her monthly Mr. Toad’s Wild Hormone Ride — or indicative of some crime on his part, like the failure to celebrate their second weekiversary (that all-important two-week anniversary of their second date). You’ve been dating women for what, 22 minutes, and a handful of emo chicks later, you’re ready to pack it in for emotionally dead relationships with men? Women tend to be more emotionally demanding — probably because they evolved to look for displays of commitment from a partner. But, women aren’t your prob- lem and men aren’t the solution. Like a lot of people in their 20s, you’re probably a crappy gatekeeper — prone to rushing into a relation- ship because a woman’s hot and fun. Before getting serious, you need to do the rationality and groundedness entrance exam: “What kind of circus are we entering into here? Will some- body be swinging from the chandelier because we got her the ‘wrong’ birthday card?” That said, a healthy relationship involves taking pleasure in doing the little things that please your partner — even if you find them The print edition is available online at Amy Alkon is a syndicated advice writer whose column runs in more than 100 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. Although the column reads as humor, it’s based in science, psychology, evolution- ary psychology and ethics. somewhat silly. If you get tired from all the rubbing and complimenting or whatever, go to lunch with a bunch of straight women and you’ll be reminded that anybody who dates anybody has it rough. People — can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill ‘em and be absolutely sure you’ll get off on a technicality. (c)2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com) Read Amy Alkon’s book: “I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman’s battle to beat some manners into impolite society” (McGraw-Hill). www.otownscene.com June 16, 2011 O-Town Scene 31

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