The O-town Scene - Oneonta, NY
Issue link: https://www.ifoldsflip.com/i/29770
The Advice Goddess Amy Alkon By This American strife My boyfriend of 10 months asked me for my idea of a romantic evening, and I said I think it’s really romantic to make dinner together. He asked for specifics, and I ended up pretty much describing what my last boyfriend and I used to do: have wine and cheese, burn this particular incense I love, listen to “This American Life,” then make din- ner together. This is now what my boyfriend does to “surprise” me. He has downloaded tons of “This American Life” episodes and even burns the same incense my ex and I used to! I’m certain I sound like a total creep, but it really isn’t romantic to have your significant other surprise you by doing exactly what he was told. Maybe he reconstituted what you told him because he isn’t very creative or maybe because he’s a guy. Men are often a little unsure of themselves in the romance-crafting department. It just isn’t the lifelong pursuit for them that it is for so many women, like the woman on an author panel I moderated who opened her book with the line “I was born to be a bride.” Books about men’s lives tend to start more like “We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold” or “I am a sick man. ... I am a spiteful man. I am an unattractive man. I believe my liver is diseased.” — The Ingrate With a guy who follows directions as closely as your boyfriend, you must be a little disap- pointed that, when he asked what you find romantic, you didn’t toss off, “Oh, a man who builds a 500-foot obelisk to my beauty.” (“Honey, your obelisk is ready!”) You’re irritated that he didn’t work harder; he just went, “Great, now I have my list.” But, he wasn’t the only uncreative one. You didn’t bother unlocking the old imagination cabinet. You rattled off details, down to the brand of incense, as if they were random enjoyments that came to mind, not the foreplay report from your last relationship. And come on, what did you expect, the guy to ask, “Hey, baby, tell me what you find romantic,” and then say: “Cool! I’ll do something else!”? Let’s be honest: How many combos are there for romantic dinners? Should he have changed wine and cheese to wine and little canned wieners? Instead of incense, should he have seen if Raid had come out with a bug spray called “That Special Evening”? Be grateful for what you have — a boyfriend who wants to please you. To help him succeed, tell him that what you really find romantic are surprises, and then suggest doing as my friend and her girlfriend do: Take turns planning and surprising each other on date night. The non-planning partner need only show up at the appointed time and fol- low any prearranged directions, like “wear a parachute” or “bring a sharpened machete.” Should you find yourself a little more surprised than you were hoping for (“Wow … a puppet theater to act out our relation- ship issues!”), see that you don’t squelch his newfound romantic creativity. Heavily praise what you’d like more of, and be prepared to put on your game face for any- thing short of a picnic dinner of chocolate-covered crickets and toasts to your love with rainwa- ter from the Japanese reactor. Love is bland How do I find a nice guy? I'm 26, educated and attractive, and I can spell. I’m a figure skater, so most of the guys I interact with are under 18 or gay. I'm really not into the bar scene, either. You say you’re looking for a “nice guy,” then you narrow that down: He can’t be gay, 16, or wearing more Lycra, sequins, and tassels than you are. When I e-mailed you to further narrow what you’re seeking, you said, “I don't know exactly … nice, intelligent, educated … not a jerk/boor.” — Circling The Rink Well, that winnows it. Shock- ingly, you aren’t looking for a guy who’s evil, uneducated, unethical, and crass. Refining what you want beyond generic good quali- ties takes getting a good sense of who you are and what you value. But, if you’re like a lot of women, you’ll also need to date the wrong guys to pare down who’s right for you. This requires leaving the ice rink. Go places. Throw parties. Smile, flirt, be friendly. Maybe even in bars. No, you don’t have to join “the bar scene.” Just stop by for happy hour and flirt with some guy who’s having a beer with his business partner. He may not be “nice, intelligent, Amy Alkon is a syndicated advice writer whose column runs in more than 100 newspapers across the U.S. and Canada. Although the column reads as humor, it’s based in science, psychology, evolution- ary psychology and ethics. educated,” but when he stands up, odds are 26,879,000,000-to-1 that you’ll find he’s wearing businessman pants, not electric-blue shimmery tights with fishnet side panels. (c)2011, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (www.advicegoddess.com) Read Amy Alkon's book: "I SEE RUDE PEOPLE: One woman's battle to beat some manners into impolite society" (McGraw-Hill). The print edition is available online at www.otownscene.com April 21, 2011 O-Town Scene 31