The O-town Scene

Savage Love By Don’t be mad at dad for liking ex Q: I grew up in a crappy conservative town with a crazy mother and a philan- dering father who, despite leaving my mom when I was 2, went on to be a pretty good dad and definitely the only moder- ately stable parent in my life. I wanted his love and approval. I went to law school and married a guy who was, essentially, my dad. They became best friends. Very shortly into the marriage, I fell in love with a woman, realized I’m a total homo, and got divorced. I’m still with the same woman, and I’m no longer suicidal over my internal- ized homophobia. Yay. My dad didn’t exactly support my decision, but he has made an effort to get to know my girlfriend and isn’t acting quite as crushed as I know he was when I came out and divorced my husband. However, he continues to have a relationship with my ex-husband. This enrages me. I felt like he sided with the ex at every turn during our separation and divorce, and now I feel like he’s incapable of understanding my feelings. I’m still friendly with my ex, although I have tremendous guilt issues over not having figured myself out before dragging him into a marriage. My dad’s point is that his friendship with my ex has nothing to do with me. Am I just being a petty bitch or is he being an insensitive jerk? — Angry Lesbian Daughter A: Petty bitch or insensitive jerk, petty bitch or insensitive jerk, petty bitch or insensitive jerk — does it have to be one or the other, ALD? Your dad bonded with your ex while you were married and didn’t regard the divorce as your ex’s fault. Perhaps your dad took your ex’s side because he couldn’t see that the divorce wasn’t entirely your fault, either. You were a victim, too, ALD — victimized by the homophobia you had internalized. The homophobic culture that rendered you incapable of recognizing that you were a lesbian before you dragged your ex into a doomed marriage is ultimately to blame — that doesn’t mean you bear no responsibility — and if your dad couldn’t see that at the time and was insensitive, then, yeah, he owes you an apology. But you brought your ex into your dad’s life, your dad bonded with him as a son-in-law, and it’s unfair of you to demand that your dad cut all ties to your ex. That’s controlling, irrational behavior — aka petty bitchery — and you should apologize to your dad for it. You have a right to your feelings, of course, and if your dad’s relationship with your ex makes you uncomfortable, it makes you uncomfortable. In this era of divorce, remar- riage, and blended families, rest assured that you’re not the only person in the world with an ex who’s still, for better or worse, part of the family. Take time to talk sex Q: Here’s my problem: I love women. I love the way they look, I love the way they move, I love the way they sound. I like to see them naked. But the idea of actually interacting with women—trying to engage them in intelligent conversation without coming off as absolutely leotarded—absolutely terrifies me. I’m a virgin at 30. I’ve never had a girlfriend. I’ve never been on a date. I’ve never even had a con- versation with a woman that lasted longer than a couple of minutes and Dan Savage wasn’t completely superficial and forced. I cannot even imagine myself doing something assertive like approaching a woman and asking her out on a date. And no woman has ever ap- proached me or even shown interest from what I could tell. Sex workers are out of the question because I don’t want to risk some cop busting me. Webcam sites are pretty much the only way I interact with women. Sad, no? I’m not at all afraid of vaginas—I’m afraid of women who have clothes on. Got a piece of advice for me? — Awkward And Alone A: I’ve actually got two piec- es of advice for you, AAA. First piece: Get your ass to a shrink—maybe a lady shrink—who can help you with your near-crippling social anxiety and maybe toss some meds your way. Second piece: Hire a sex worker, AAA, just don’t screw her. Paid companionship is not a crime — there’s nothing illegal about paying an escort Dan Savage offers sex advice on a weekly basis in his nationally syndicated column, Savage Love. He currently serves as the editorial direc- tor of The Stranger, Seattle’s weekly newspaper, and is the author of four books. to escort you places. Find a nice woman, pay her for an hour or two of her time, and have a nice, polite conversation. If you like her, make another appointment, have another conversation. Cops — jerks or otherwise — only bust men when they offer money in exchange for sex, AAA, so don’t offer money for sex, or accept her offer to have money for sex, and you won’t get busted. And cops working undercover to bust johns don’t make follow-up appointments or build ongoing relationships with clients. So if a woman sees you more than once — or twice, to be extra safe — she’s not a cop. You may just like the kink Q: I am a straight and, dare I say it, vanilla woman who met a straight man who some- what reminds me of Clark Kent and Super- man. He’s seemingly mild-mannered, good- looking, pleasant, an all-around great guy, just like Clark Kent — and just like Superman, he likes to wear tights. It ends up that he likes to be dominated, spanked and crossdress. Our sexual en- counters are a bit different for me, to say the least, but I thoroughly enjoy them. I like spanking him, humiliating him, tying him up, and watching him try on panties (in which he looks darn good!). It’s all rather exciting! Does this mean that I’m a dominatrix? Would I act this way with other men, or is it just him? And finally, where do I go from here? — Being Deviant Satisfies Me A: A dominatrix? That’s a professional title, BDSM, and you’re not planning to pursue a career in kink. (Are you?) To determine if you’re genuinely and independently kinky and not just getting off on beating and bind- ing the boyfriend because he gets off on it, you’ll just have to beat and bind someone else sometime. As for where you go from here, BDSM, if you’re in San Francisco or you can get there for a weekend, you might wanna sign up for Forte Femme, a weekend- long “sensual dominance intensive” hosted by kink superstar/supernova Midori. More info at www.fortefemme.com. — Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage.mail@savagelove.net. Oct. 28, 2010 O-Town Scene 39

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