North Bay Woman

S P R I N G | S U M M E R 2 0 2 2 NORTH BAY WOMAN 39 or paused, was, "Are you a lesbian?" I'd been suspect- ing something was bothering him, and that was the first thought. He seemed surprised and relieved and said, "No, well I don't know but I think I'm transgender." Of course, I knew what that meant, but at the same time in that moment, I didn't know what it meant and wasn't sure he knew what that meant. I had so many questions, but most- ly felt like crap, what the heck am I going to do? I had a million questions swirling, and didn't want to say the wrong thing. I sat there for a minute and then said, "Ok so how does that feel?" I was curious and concerned and proud all at the same moment. I can't tell you ex- actly how that conversation went the whole ride home, but there was more silence than talking. I do remember we were almost home, and I said, "Well I really think we should explore this together." That's where we left it. Honestly it felt good like it was a new turn for him. He was having a rough few years, and now I was feeling like may- be this is it. Life was a complete roller coaster of emotions for the next few months. I googled all the things and tried to investigate anything that was talking about transgender youth and gender dysphoria all of it. It got really scary! At first all I was finding online was "teen suicide rates increas- ing" and "how to prevent suicide," and "early sign of risk." It was like everything talking about gender dysphoria was about suicide. I started to panic on the inside, but I kept going. I kept talking and listening to my child. I found counsel- ing and started the process to socially transition. But then came, "How do I tell everyone?" "What will people say?" I was 1000% ready to go to battle, and I was preparing for such. You know that feeling like they better not say a thing. Hoping all the while I wouldn't have to go to battle at least not with my own family and friends. For the most part I didn't. I am grateful to have a supportive community in most cases. In those first few years, and even still today, I was scared a lot, and lost, and just barely pushed through the day. I've had many days of proudness and hope and many days of loss and sadness. I grieved the daughter I lost and embraced my son that had more courage and strength than I could ever imagine. I think for me the grief was the worst part, and then it made me feel guilty like I was somehow betraying my child for grieving. I had many days that I felt like I can't possibly do this right without fucking up my kid. But once I allowed myself to be OK with griev- ing that loss and accepting it was a loss, the better I felt about my capabilities. I don't know that I handled all that was coming at me accurately, but I do know that none of us is supposed to know what to do. We often feel as though we should have all the answers, but we can't possibly ever know exactly what to do. Especially when we hit those pre-teen and teenage years. It was easier to get through seeing the changes within my son. He was getting the light back in his eyes, and I could see the social transition we started with was making a huge difference. If it was a phase, I did not care. It absolutely isn't and wasn't, but that's a response you'll get a lot from people including myself really, in the early stages. I get it, sometimes it might be a phase, but when you see your child who looked so de- pressed and distraught now having some joy and light- ness again you just know. You know you're on the right path. You question everything you do, and everything you do not do. I felt like I was failing my kid many times. Because I didn't know what the right thing to do was. Puberty started six or so months into the process, and everything became even more confusing to me and him. Gender dysphoria escalated and it was like taking a million steps backward. Breasts developed, and all the changes took hold. At the time some doc- tors had said he could start puberty blockers, but he could only be on them for a few years before having to switch to testos- terone. So, I researched them and asked many questions, but apparently not all the right ones. Nobody told me if he didn't start blockers the first year or so after puberty starts, then he'd have to go straight to testosterone or else his body would go straight into menopause. It was two years in at this point when they told us this after many months of trying to be seen by an endocrinologist, and all the struggle that went into that. I cried hard and I felt like a complete failure. I still cry thinking that somehow the first few years could have gone more easily for him had I known more. I also wasn't trying to rush him into anything or rush his process. That's still an issue we battle. We're still navigating hormones, and all the various things that go into it. Stanford Children's Gen- der Clinic has been a godsend. I wish I had been referred to them from the beginning. Lots of hard conversations and lots of heartbreaking unknowns, but then there's so much light and love. My son is now a freshman in high school; he'll be 15 in a couple months and the growth I've seen this year alone has been amazing and beautiful. He has a core group of friends, attends sports functions at school, and has gone to a few dances, which for a kid with social anxi- ety, and gender dysphoria it's been a huge relief to see him involved. It's major progress and had he not felt safe to come to me with his knowing of himself I don't know where we'd be. I'm thankful for his trust in me and himself. My kid is teaching me so much more about love and life and the fluidity of it all, then I could ever imagine. My only advice if I have any is to listen to your kids with open hearts at every age and trust in them and trust in yourself. Love leads the way. n 'My only advice if I have any is to listen to your kids with open hearts at every age and trust in them and trust in yourself. Love leads the way.' – Stephanie Sebastiani

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