North Bay Woman

36 NORTH BAY WOMAN F A L L | W I N T E R 2 0 2 1 Like any other regular Saturday morning, I crawled into my parents' bed, with my mom to discuss our week- end plans and to hang out together. The bed felt safe, comfortably cushioned with pillows surrounding me, and blankets applying pressure on my body to keep me snug. The love, warmth and safety the bed filled with came to an end when my mom broke the news to me about her having breast cancer. The bed immediately felt ice cold and uncomfortable because of the harsh reality it had just endured. My body pulsed with shock, and angst ran through each limb attached to me. I felt mostly numb, with my mind blank, and the only feeling I had surround- ed my chest. A layer of heat engulfed my heart, and all the blood it pumped rushed to crush my chest. For the entirety of the con- versation, my thoughts were riddled with the worst-case scenario. ¨What if my mom died?¨ ¨What if the surgery did not go as planned?¨ With information as such, exact answers are difficult to find. I could see the fear in her eyes as she told me her plan for overcoming the disgusting thing living in her body. The transparency and calmness she had with me while talking about the life-sucking disease growing inside of her, gave me a slight moment of bliss. As soon as that state of euphoria dissolved, my emotions brimmed with anger. My body pierced with rage at the fact that the things that gave me life were taking life away from my mom. A mother's breast produces one of the healthiest foods for children's well being and growth. The security provid- ed to an infant by her mother's breasts unmatches any other in the world. The malignant cells making a home for themselves in my mother's body infuriated me. I put trust in the doctor's hands, someone who didn't even know my mom. They were going to make incisions in her breasts and take them away from her. Hate and confusion toward the doc- tors permeated every inch of me. Even though they held no responsibility for her disease, the cancer did, I felt the blames were theirs for making the most important person in my life undergo a stripping of her identity. Her breasts displayed a token of her accomplishments in life, becoming a mother, going through womanhood, and blossoming into the smart, independent woman she has matured into. The day of surgery, I had to go to school because of the level of normalization my parents wanted to keep. However, all day the back of my mind raced with the nev- er-ending "what if" thoughts. While my mother never actually spoke to me about it, I heard her tell of the operating room description. The numerous silver, sharp scalpels that hung within her eyesight frightened her and looked like a wall in a butch- er shop. She also illustrated the frigid, metal, tin-like table they splayed her on. With her arms extended, like Jesus on the crucifix, she went on to explain that she decided a snow angel fit the situation better. Guilt took over my body after the procedure finished because I saw the scars as a symbol for God taking her womanhood and giving it to me. As a girl entering Grace Wagner English 10 Honors 29-January-2021 Reflective Essay Grace Wagner. – Photo courtesy of Lori Pearce

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