North Bay Woman

F A L L 2 0 1 9 | NORTH BAY WOMAN 49 know they are not alone in this fright- ening journey, and they want to let us know that we need to be supportive, kind and not afraid to talk about miscar- riage. Eva's Story "Happy Birthday Logan. In 2020 you would be 20. I am the only one who named you, who knew you were a boy, and who, as far as I know, thinks about you, loves you, and misses you. I was 6 weeks pregnant when I learned about you, and was excited for you to join our family. And, just a few weeks later, with no pain, no trauma, no big event, you were gone. While not spoken about, you remained in my heart. Twenty years wasn't that long ago, but miscarriages were not discussed. Was it my fault? Were you not meant to be? Was it a blessing that you were to live as an angel? Was your Daddy hurting as I was? Did it affect your big brother? I had no answers, and just went on as though everything was fi ne. I didn't understand, as you were so real, yet never existed. Even the doctor didn't seem sympathetic. Basically some num- bers were low in my blood test so I was just no longer pregnant. No explanation, no further tests, not even a follow up visit was required. You were no longer there, and I couldn't bring you back. I prayed and dreamed of you, even became pregnant again, and your little brother was born. It wasn't you, though. I loved him dearly, as I still do, yet still missed you desperately. You weren't com- ing back, and I knew it. It wouldn't matter how many children I had; there would never be another you, another Logan. Now, 20 years later, I realize that it has taken me all this time to go through the grieving process, unfortunately, all by myself. I wish I could have shared my love for you, my hopes and dreams for you, my sadness after losing you, my questions about why this happened, my anger that there was no one who helped, and my still, raw and real, feelings about you with someone. Time does seem to heal most things, or at least lessen the severity of feelings. I have come to accept that's just the way it was; miscarriages were not discussed. It was a very misunderstood taboo subject, especially when there were no physical complications or ongoing problems. Has that changed? I sure hope so. I hope that today's empathetic culture is talking about this, grieving openly, and answer- ing their questions. Eva is from Napa. Breaking the Taboo "I realized I was pregnant while co-fa- cilitating a women's retreat. We were preparing to receive sound healing when the practitioner suggested that pre- cautions be taken if anyone is pregnant. In that moment, I became aware that my cycle was several days late. With great excitement, I asked, 'What are the risks because I think I might be pregnant?' This news fi lled the room with love and joy. These women were genuinely excited for me and this moment was so special. The next morning I took a test, and, sure enough, those two pink lines ap- peared. I contacted the women from the retreat and gave them the news. Love continued to pour in as this group of women gave me their blessings. Sud- denly, my excitement was overcome with feelings of fear and shame. Where did these feelings come from? I wanted my joy back. The taboo around the topic of miscar- riage tells women to live in silence during the fi rst few months of pregnancy. As a re- sult, women also grieve in silence during a miscarriage. I was breaking this unwrit- ten rule and realized my feelings came from fear that I was going about this the wrong way. I understand the benefi ts of connection and sharing during a loss, so I certainly was not afraid of having to tell people if I miscarried. Why should anyone go through that alone? I made a decision to step outside the social norms and not stifl e my joy with a fear-based premise. I didn't want to cele- brate alone. I didn't want to suffer alone. And I certainly didn't want to govern my life with fear. I choose love over fear and continued to share the news. I came up with clever ways to break the news to my family and joy spread quickly through my community. About eight weeks into my pregnancy, signs came of a possible miscarriage. Several doctor appointments and tests confi rmed that this baby would never be. A grief I never felt before weighed heavily on me. I also felt slightly embarrassed and plagued by the miscarriage taboo despite my decision to go against the social norm. As a women's empowerment coach, I decided to use this as an oppor- tunity to heal the miscarriage taboo as I healed myself. I put my self-healing tools to work and shared my experience on Facebook. Hundreds of women offered support and appreciation for my post. This connection and support was healing not only for me, but also for other women who have felt "Miscarriages are part of life, and living in fear is not healthy for anyone." – Heather Hanson – Photo courtesy Heather Hanson

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