North Bay Woman

S P R I N G 2 0 1 9 | NORTH BAY WOMAN 47 By Megan Hansen A s Mill Valley resident Catherine Wold watches her sons Justin, 4, and Ryan, 2, transform from toddlers into young boys, she sometimes worries about their future interactions — especially with the opposite sex. "We're hopefully setting them up for a good path where they're learning to respect everyone in this world, whether they're male or female," Wold says. But in an era focused on the #MeToo and #TimesUp move- ments — in which women continue to bring awareness to misconduct and abuse by men — mothers everywhere are won- dering: "How do we ensure our boys are raised into respectful men?" At the Center for Domestic Peace, a San Rafael-based non- profit focused on ending domestic violence and promoting equality, staff and volunteers regularly witness what happens when men's respect for women completely breaks down. In fiscal year 2017-18, the center assisted approximately 6,000 people impacted by domestic violence. "Domestic violence can be physical, emotional, verbal, sexual and financial," says Donna Garske, executive director of the Center for Domestic Peace. "We have a huge problem in that our social system continues to mass produce rapists and batter- ers." In Marin County, there were more than 700 do- mestic violence incidents reported to the district attorney's office during fiscal year 2017-18. More than 530 of those inci- dents involved men as the perpetrators, according to a court report. Teaching respect at home Encouraging boys to understand and appre- ciate women's rights can help them grow into courteous men. Garske suggests five main steps for teaching respect. The first step is for women to examine what they've been taught about gender expectations, and for those observations to guide how they talk to and interact with their children. "Women have learned to be inferior on some level and we need to start reflecting on some of that false information," Garske says. "We have to lead from a voice of liberation." The second step is teaching children critical thinking skills. For example, Garske suggests examining television advertisements to see how women are sexualized. "Start asking your children questions about what they're seeing. Say 'gee, have you ever noticed this?' and 'what do you think about that?' Start to create recognition and some distance with what they're seeing," Garske says. Being proactive in directing conversations about respect is the third step. Wold had an opportunity to do this when her eldest son had an incident at school that turned into a valuable lesson about boundaries. "He started to call some friends 'cutie patooties' and the teachers were struggling with how to handle it since some of his friends didn't like it," Wold says. "We had to emphasize that he had to ask first if he could call his friends by that name. If they said 'no,' then he had to stop." Modeling desirable behaviors and shared power between men and women, as well as including men in conversations about equality and respect, are the fourth and fifth steps. Wold said she and her husband do this by shar- ing the duties of running a household, and including their children in those ac- tivities via a chore chart. "This helps them see it's not just momma doing all the housework," Wold says. Courtney Smith, of Kentfield, says her sons Cannon, 4, Griffin, 2, and stepson Henry, 17, are en- couraged to talk with the entire family about the behaviors they witness. "They're sometimes ex- posed to other kids who behave in a disruptive, disrespectful way," Smith says. "We make it a point to have sit-down dinners and open communication at our home where we discuss these issues." A Center for Domestic Peace teaches teens respect and confronts (often biased) gender expectations. - Photos courtesy of Center for Domestic Peace

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