Diversity Rules Magazine

3 Diversity Rules Magazine December 2017 Tarringo T. Vaughan al- ways believed he had a love affair with lit- erature. One of the first pic- tures he saw of himself was of him at maybe the age of three or four year's old sitting with a book in his hand. But for Tarringo, growing up in the depths of the inner city both in Boston, MA and Springfield, MA made him believe that expression through the lit- erary voice was un-cool and unattainable. As a very quiet and shy child he learned it became very valuable in his self expression Lanky, skinny, black boy, age of sixteen years; shirt from k-mart, pants from sears. He sits alone at a cafeteria table with no one to occupy his time. ey giggle, they whisper, they point at the toe exposed from the hole in his sneaker, they barely know his name. He's so quiet, shy, can't look anyone in the eye. And thinking back to my high school days, I can't believe this boy was I. Yes this was me. And I remember sitting at that table alone, stand- ing in corners of playgrounds alone during my early years of high school because for me it was easier to keep to my- self rather than face the name calling, the insults and jokes sure to be thrown my way. Or perhaps this was all paranoia on my part. Deep down inside I always knew I was different, I just wasn't sure how. It was easy to believe it was the clothes I was wearing or the way my sneakers squeaked as I walked. But I knew, yes I knew even then there was something different about me. Nothing about me as a teenage boy was all that differ- ent in appearance besides the clothes my mother got off lay away that I wore. I had crushes on girls so I thought; I played sports, loved junk food and watched wrestling on Saturdays. But in school I still refused to allow myself to open up. It wasn't that I didn't want to, it's because by doing so I would be exposing that inner secret. A secret that even I didn't know existed. e way I looked at Eric, the way I got along with Miguel was weird feelings. And the fact I couldn't keep my eyes off of naked boys in the shower told me some- thing I was afraid was true. It told me I was gay. My secret became my loneliness. An unbelievable transformation took place as I entered college. at lanky, skinny, black boy, now nineteen years of age became popular. It was like being away from home just opened up my humor, my intelligence, my being. at empty lunch table now surrounded me by many different kinds of people who sought out to know who I was. And they say college is a place we find ourselves, and I'll say that's true. Not forgetting who I was, I extended my hand to any kid I saw as a loner. I became the life of parties, the social organizer, and the kid no one could stay mad at. But still, there was ridicule and certain people I went back into my shell around. It became a different kind of loneliness because I had to be the person ev- eryone expected me to be, there was no way I was gay in their eyes. How do I tell my best friends that after dancing with girls at parties, that behind closed doors I was looking at gay porn? How do I tell people I hear Diary - Con't on page 6 Levels Of Lonliness Diary Of A Black Man By Tarringo Basile-Baughn

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