Diversity Rules Magazine

3 Diversity Rules Magazine December 2014 Susan K. omas is a lecturer in English at the University of Kansas where she spreads the good gay word through LGBT literature and first year composition cours- es. She is currently re- searching the impact of HIV/AIDS on the LGBT community in Kansas. She has two cats, Hannah and Hamlet (Ham). Q. My partner and I have been together just a short while (about a month). About eight months ago, his boyfriend at the time drugged and raped him. My boyfriend is working through it all with counseling, but what I can I do to be a supportive partner? Alexander A. Wow. at is an intense situation, but you're doing the right thing by asking what you can do to help. e first thing is to listen to your boyfriend. Listen to him if and when he wants to speak about the assault. While the act of rape appears to be primarily about the physical, the emotional trauma can last much longer for those who have been assaulted. And although your boyfriend was drugged at the time and may not remember what happened (or he may only be able to re- call bits and pieces), his fears and inse- curities following the rape are valid. ere is a block of time when he had no control and had to succumb to the power of another. e trauma fol- lowing this experience is definitely real. e next thing that you can do is to ask questions. Ask him what he needs. Too often when a friend or partner goes through a traumatic experience, we are so over- whelmed that we just kind of shut down. We're afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, so in response we just do nothing. Fight the urge. Ask your boyfriend what he needs. He might just need somebody to listen to him when he wants to speak about the rape. Follow your boyfriend's lead in the physical aspect of your relationship. Ask him how he feels about you ini- tiating sexual activity. Realize that there may be times where he simply does not what to be intimate. Re- member that this has nothing to do with you, so don't take it personally. If he would like to talk about how he is feeling, let him. You will clearly want him to feel safe both physically and emotionally. is may mean that he will want to secure his living space if he hasn't already. He may ask for help installing new locks on doors and windows, motion detection lights outside, and even a lock on the bedroom door. Even though he was raped by a former boyfriend who had access, he may need to do these things to feel safe. Be supportive and do as he asks. If the two of you move in together, don't be surprised if he asks to secure that location as well. I am glad to hear that he is currently involved in counseling. I would also suggest that you look into support groups for friends and family of rape victims. Although you were not vic- timized as your partner was, you will more than likely have feelings about the incident, especially as your re- lationship moves forward. You may have very strong emotions about the rapist, the assault, and how both have affected your relationship with your partner. A support group can help you to share your own feelings as well as guide you into helping your partner. For more answers to how you can help a friend, part- ner, or family member after a sexual assault contact your local rape crisis center. While many believe that these services are strictly for women, the fact is that the people who work there have been trained to help men who have been raped as well. Good luck to both you and your partner, Alexander. "inQUEERies" is an interactive column. Readers are encouraged to submit ques- tions for Susan to answer! Contact Susan directly at: s.k.thomas183@gmail.com inQUEERies By Susan Thomas (c) Can Stock Photo Inc. / grsphoto

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